Feeling like you’re in a tug of war with your kids? Are you young parents fearful of the teen years ahead? This is a great topic for any parent at every stage. This is a topic of the things NOT to do with your kids.
“It is vital that you believe and admit that you have no power whatsoever to change your child.” Tripp, Paul David. Parenting (p. 60). Crossway. Kindle Edition.
Parents, our job is to raise independent, healthy kids who are ready to take on the world when they hit young adulthood. Your job is to train and equip your kids, teaching them principles that they will hopefully adopt when they leave your home. This is hard work-tiring at times. We have to be intentional, focused and patient.
Unfortunately, many of us choose to approach parenting with a “me” focused mentality. What makes our lives easier, what makes us look better. Our kids then are performing a role we’ve cast for them rather than teaching them how to take ownership of their own lives and choices. Here are three tools to throw OUT of your parenting bag!
Power Tool #1 Fear: This tool is all about trying to motivate our kids through our tone of voice or through threats of punishment. The hope is that if our kids are scared enough of our wrath or of the consequences, they will change.
This is the parent who yells or threatens a punishment for every bad behavior. The problem-your kid only learns how to avoid your wrath. They don’t learn how to be introspective as to why they did what they did and a better way to respond next time.
Antidote: Loving Discipline
Power Tool #2 Reactive Reward: This tool is all about trying to manipulate our kids into doing what we want by offering enticing rewards. The hope is that our kids will be motivated to change because they want the reward we offer.
Have you ever seen the parent in the grocery with a kid screaming about something and the parent pulls candy off the shelf and bribes their kid to stop the bad behavior? Here’s the problem. That only addresses the immediate issue. The bigger issue is self-control. If you just bribe your kids to stop a behavior that behavior will only escalate over time. Your bribes will have to get bigger and more expensive to keep their interest. All of this effort that doesn’t address the underlying issue of character development and self-regulation.
Antidote: Proactive Praise
Power Tool #3: Shame and guilt. This tool is all about trying to make our kids feel guilty for their bad behavior and shaming them into doing what is right.
Similar to reward, this failing strategy makes it more about the parent than the kid. “Don’t embarrass me.” or “You should be ashamed of yourself” are not helpful statements. As parents, our job is to teach and train our kids. Guilt trips don’t last and eventually your kids will either ignore that or move into shame which turns into self-loathing and down a path that leads to bigger issues.
Antidote: Conviction
God hasn’t burdened you with the power to produce change – that’s his job. We need to mentor our kids toward a relationship with Jesus who will change their hearts.
Ephesians 6:1-4 Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord,[a] for this is the right thing to do. 2 “Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: 3 If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.”[b]4 Fathers,[c] do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.
Proverbs 22:6 Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.
