Today we want to build on the principles we discussed last time-the discovery principle and the ownership principle. The goal of imparting your values to your teens needs to transition from being just “because I said so” to inviting your teen to be a part of the conversation. Lecturing and control are not going to be effective long term. Building trust with your teen where honest conversation can take place is best.
Just because you invite your teen into the conversation doesn’t mean you aren’t still guiding the conversation and setting boundaries. That’s why the 4 keys we’ll discuss today are important building blocks to add.
The Teen Brain
Teen brain development is a fascinating process! During adolescence, the brain undergoes significant changes, both structurally and functionally. Here’s a brief overview:
- **Prefrontal Cortex Development:**
– The prefrontal cortex, responsible for complex thinking, decision-making, and impulse control, undergoes substantial development during adolescence.
– This part of the brain is one of the last to mature, and this process continues into the early 20s.
- **Emotional Center (Amygdala):**
– The amygdala, involved in processing emotions, develops early in adolescence. This can contribute to heightened emotional responses and increased sensitivity to social cues.
– The interplay between the developing prefrontal cortex and the more emotionally reactive amygdala can lead to increased risk-taking behavior in teens.
- **Synaptic Pruning:**
– During adolescence, there is a process called synaptic pruning, where unnecessary connections between neurons are eliminated. This streamlining helps optimize brain function.
– The brain’s social processing regions develop during adolescence, contributing to the increased importance of social interactions and the formation of identity.
- **Hormonal Influence:**
– Hormones, especially those related to puberty, play a role in brain development. For example, increased levels of sex hormones can impact emotional responses and social behaviors.
Start with a plan (vision)
Ask yourselves, “What kind of kids do we want at the end of the active parenting years?” If you don’t know the final destination then how can you lead your teens to that place? Having a plan is the roadmap. Start with the main areas you see that need focus. Is it phone use, social media, curfew, friend choice, study habits? As a couple, look at each category and identify what you think the problem is and how you think your teen needs to grow. Then decide what boundaries you feel like you need to implement and why and be ready to bring that to your teens.
Here is a great resource to have a vision conversation with your teens.https://www.pursuegod.org/getting-5-point-clarity-on-parenting/
Answering some key questions about mission, vision and values can really help you to create a strategy for parenting.
- Your mission answers the question, “Why do we exist?”
- Your values answer the question, “What do we care about?”
- Your vision answers the question, “Where are we going?”
- Your strategy answers the question, “How will we get there?”
- Your culture answers the question, “How do we actually do things?”
Be a good listener
This can be tough but this is important for building trust. Teens think they know enough and they don’t need you or your rules. But don’t take the bait! We have to lead with confidence. Keep the conversation open. Present your thoughts and reasons and give your teens room to respond. Invite them to identify why boundaries are needed in each area, have them articulate the dangers to them if they don’t have rules. Use that discovery principle and help your teens discover the boundaries they need in each area. Help their brain develop!
Be clear with boundaries
After discussing the plan with your teens, make sure the boundaries are clear. Don’t have grey areas. That only leads to more conflict. Be clear. Make sure your teen knows the rules and the consequences for breaking them. Also be clear that as they operate within the boundaries, trust is built and boundaries can change over time to allow for more freedom as they show maturity to handle it.
Give your teens some room to express themselves
Back to the teen brain:
“Adolescence is the period of transition between childhood and adulthood. Children entering adolescence are going through many changes in their bodies and brains. These include physical, intellectual, psychological and social challenges, as well as development of their own moral compass. The changes are rapid and often take place at different rates. It can be an exciting yet challenging time in the life of a teenager. Adolescence is the time when your child becomes more independent and begins to explore their identity.” (Cleveland Clinic)
Another great way to build trust with your teen is to not micro-manage every part of themselves. If they want to wear crazy socks that don’t match as a way to stand out, so be it! If they want to color their hair or get some piercings, talk about it and decide if that’s a good idea. If they like a certain style of clothing that isn’t yours, give them room to express themselves. It’s likely a stage they will grow out of. Don’t battle over everything and don’t lose the war to win the battle.
