Triangulation And The Fear Of Conflict
Triangulation is a fear response to conflict when you involve a third party rather than dealing with it directly with the person involved.
Talking Points:
- Triangulation can be best described through a picture of a triangle- you have a conflict with someone, but instead of dealing with it directly with the person involved, you involve a third party and have them intervene.
- A fear of conflict is usually the impetus for triangulation. Out of fear, you feel like it’s safer and easier to let someone else deal with it rather than facing it on your own.
- The healthier choice is to step into conflict in a loving way, owning your own stuff, and brave enough to express your hurt to the person who offended you. Matthew 18:15
Discussion Questions:
- Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
- Review the definition of triangulation. Share a time you’ve been guilty of this. Why did you feel like you needed to involve someone else and how did it work out?
- On a scale from 1-10, how fearful are you of conflict (10 being petrified, 1 not at all)? What scares you the most about conflict?
- Why is it better to share your own thoughts and feelings rather than trusting someone else to do it?
- Read Matthew 18:15. Why do you think Jesus emphasized to go privately? What are some repercussions for going public with a conflict?
- Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?
Triangulation Versus Proactivity
It's better to be proactive in your conflict, by using clear statements, that will lead to a productive conversation and actual solutions.
Talking Points:
- Although it may feel innocent and helpful to involve a third party, the problem is you’re involving someone who isn’t directly involved and someone who can’t fix the problem.
- It breeds distrust in the relationship when the other person involved hears that you’ve talked about them to someone else.
- It’s better to be proactive in your conflict, by using clear statements, that will lead to a productive conversation and actual solutions. Ephesians 4:29-31
- “When you did ___I felt ___.”
- “Here’s what that made me think.”
- “I’d like to hear your perspective.”
- “Here’s what we should do now.”
Discussion Questions:
- Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
- Share a time you really botched a conflict with someone. What did you do wrong and who did you involve that shouldn’t have been?
- Have you ever been on the receiving end of this dynamic where you found out someone talked about you to someone else? How did that make you feel?
- Read Hebrews 12:14-15. Why does it breed distrust in a relationship when communication is indirect rather than direct?
- Read Ephesians 4:29-31. Review the four statements. Why is it important to present your frustrations in terms of your feelings? Why is it important to be vulnerable and admit how someone’s words or actions hurt you? How does understanding the other person’s perspective help to solve a conflict? Why is it important to get to solutions?
- Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?
Triangulation Versus Wise Counsel
Seeking wisdom from an unbiased person can be helpful so long as you don't insert them into the conflict.
Talking Points:
- Healthy conflict happens when we deal directly with the person that has upset us but that doesn’t mean we can’t seek advice from someone on how to proceed.
- Wise wisdom means going to a person who is unbiased, doesn’t want to insert themselves into the conflict, and understands that their role is to help you formulate your thoughts.
- Wise wisdom is rooted in biblical truth, not based on feelings alone. Taking the emotion out of it, we can see more clearly all points of view and how best to respond. Proverbs 11:14
Discussion Questions:
- Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
- Who is the wisest person you know? What sets them apart from others?
- Share a time you sought counsel from someone and they really helped you? How did you avoid the triangulation trap?
- Share a time you didn’t seek advice before heading into a conflict but wished you had. What went wrong and what could’ve been avoided with some wise counsel?
- Why does wise counsel need to be unbiased? What is likely to happen if you choose a biased person?
- Read Proverbs 11:14. Why is it helpful to have a direction before going into a conflict? Why is it best to go into that conflict considering all points of view?
- Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?
- How Do I Handle a Disagreement With My Spouse?
- Three Signs of Relational Health
- Four Steps to Expressing Emotions
- Taking Ownership of Your Mistakes
- Triangulation Versus Wise Counsel
- When Do We Intervene in Other People’s Conflicts?
- Don’t Let Bad Communication Derail Your Marriage
- Sources of Conflict in A Christian Marriage
- Marital Conflict Comes From a Sinful Heart
- War Room: Fight for Your Marriage
- 3 Steps for Conflict Resolution in Marriage