Today we want to build on the principles we discussed last time-the discovery principle and the ownership principle. The goal of imparting your values to your teens needs to transition from being just “because I said so” to inviting your teen to be a part of the conversation. Lecturing and control are not going to be effective long term. Building trust with your teen where honest conversation can take place is best. 

Just because you invite your teen into the conversation doesn’t mean you aren’t still guiding the conversation and setting boundaries. That’s why the 4 keys we’ll discuss today are important building blocks to add.

The Teen Brain

Teen brain development is a fascinating process! During adolescence, the brain undergoes significant changes, both structurally and functionally. Here’s a brief overview:

1. **Prefrontal Cortex Development:**

   – The prefrontal cortex, responsible for complex thinking, decision-making, and impulse control, undergoes substantial development during adolescence.

   – This part of the brain is one of the last to mature, and this process continues into the early 20s.

2. **Emotional Center (Amygdala):**

   – The amygdala, involved in processing emotions, develops early in adolescence. This can contribute to heightened emotional responses and increased sensitivity to social cues.

   – The interplay between the developing prefrontal cortex and the more emotionally reactive amygdala can lead to increased risk-taking behavior in teens.

3. **Synaptic Pruning:**

   – During adolescence, there is a process called synaptic pruning, where unnecessary connections between neurons are eliminated. This streamlining helps optimize brain function.

   – The brain’s social processing regions develop during adolescence, contributing to the increased importance of social interactions and the formation of identity.

4. **Hormonal Influence:**

   – Hormones, especially those related to puberty, play a role in brain development. For example, increased levels of sex hormones can impact emotional responses and social behaviors.

Start with a plan (vision)

Ask yourselves, “What kind of kids do we want at the end of the active parenting years?” If you don’t know the final destination then how can you lead your teens to that place? Having a plan is the roadmap. Start with the main areas you see that need focus. Is it phone use, social media, curfew, friend choice, study habits? As a couple, look at each category and identify what you think the problem is and how you think your teen needs to grow. Then decide what boundaries you feel like you need to implement and why and be ready to bring that to your teens. 

Here is a great resource to have a vision conversation with your teens.https://www.pursuegod.org/getting-5-point-clarity-on-parenting/ 

Answering some key questions about mission, vision and values can really help you to create a strategy for parenting.

• Your mission answers the question, “Why do we exist?”

• Your values answer the question, “What do we care about?”

• Your vision answers the question, “Where are we going?”

• Your strategy answers the question, “How will we get there?”

• Your culture answers the question, “How do we actually do things?”

• https://cdn.pursuegod.org/wp-content/uploads/5-Point-Clarity-WKST.pdf 

Be a good listener

This can be tough but this is important for building trust. Teens think they know enough and they don’t need you or your rules. But don’t take the bait! We have to lead with confidence. Keep the conversation open. Present your thoughts and reasons and give your teens room to respond. Invite them to identify why boundaries are needed in each area, have them articulate the dangers to them if they don’t have rules. Use that discovery principle and help your teens discover the boundaries they need in each area. Help their brain develop!

Be clear with boundaries

After discussing the plan with your teens, make sure the boundaries are clear. Don’t have grey areas. That only leads to more conflict. Be clear. Make sure your teen knows the rules and the consequences for breaking them. Also be clear that as they operate within the boundaries, trust is built and boundaries can change over time to allow for more freedom as they show maturity to handle it. 

Give your teens some room to express themselves

Back to the teen brain:

“Adolescence is the period of transition between childhood and adulthood. Children entering adolescence are going through many changes in their bodies and brains. These include physical, intellectual, psychological and social challenges, as well as development of their own moral compass. The changes are rapid and often take place at different rates. It can be an exciting yet challenging time in the life of a teenager. Adolescence is the time when your child becomes more independent and begins to explore their identity.” (Cleveland Clinic)

Another great way to build trust with your teen is to not micro-manage every part of themselves. If they want to wear crazy socks that don’t match as a way to stand out, so be it! If they want to color their hair or get some piercings, talk about it and decide if that’s a good idea. If they like a certain style of clothing that isn’t yours, give them room to express themselves. It’s likely a stage they will grow out of. Don’t battle over everything and don’t lose the war to win the battle.

Teenagers are known for their unique set of challenges and emotions. They’re on a journey of self-discovery, seeking independence, and striving to make sense of the world around them. As a parent or caregiver, it’s crucial to build strong connections with your teenagers to help them navigate this crucial phase of their lives. In this article, we’ll explore key principles for enhancing communication, trust, and understanding between you and your adolescents.

1. Open and Honest Communication

Encouraging your teenagers to express their thoughts and feelings is the cornerstone of any healthy parent-teen relationship. By creating a safe, non-judgmental space for them to share, you lay the foundation for open and honest communication.

2. Empathy Matters

Understanding your teenager’s perspective, even when you don’t necessarily agree with it, can make a world of difference. Empathy towards their feelings and experiences helps build trust and a strong emotional connection.

3. Respecting Their Autonomy

Adolescents are in the process of seeking independence and control over their lives. To support their growth, give them opportunities to make decisions and allow them to learn from the consequences of their choices. Respecting their autonomy while offering guidance is crucial. 

Related: The Fundamental Law of Parenting

4. Setting Clear Boundaries

While respecting their autonomy, it’s equally important to establish clear rules and expectations. Boundaries provide a sense of security and structure, helping teenagers understand limits and consequences. Clear boundaries can help teenagers feel safe and provide a framework for responsible decision-making.

Related: Boundaries (Series)

5. Leading by Example

Adolescents often learn by observing their parents or caregivers. Being the kind of person you want your teenagers to become, and demonstrating values like kindness, responsibility, and respect in your daily life, can be a powerful example for them to follow.

6. Nurturing Their Interests

Support your teenagers in pursuing their hobbies and passions. Display a genuine interest in their activities and provide resources or opportunities to help them develop their skills and talents. Encouraging their interests can foster a sense of self-worth and confidence.

7. Guiding, Not Lecturing

Instead of constantly lecturing or providing unsolicited advice, ask open-ended questions that stimulate critical thinking. Encourage them to problem-solve and make informed decisions. This approach helps teenagers develop their decision-making skills and a sense of responsibility.

Related: Discipline with Love

8. Unconditional Love

Make sure your teenagers know that you love them, even when you disagree with their choices. When discipline is required, do it in love, emphasizing that your actions are meant to guide and protect them.

Navigating the teenage years with your adolescents can be a rewarding journey when you focus on building strong connections based on trust, respect, and open communication. These principles, when practiced consistently, create a supportive and nurturing environment that allows your teenagers to flourish as they transition into adulthood. The key to successful parenting during this phase is to be present, understanding, and unwavering in your love and support.