Marriage Basics (Expanded)

This marriage series gives you seven of our most popular topics to help get your marriage to the next level.

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Love Is a Choice, Not Just a Feeling

Posted: January 17, 2023 | 0 comments

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Modern culture often depicts love as a feeling that comes and goes, like a wave that rises and falls at the mercy of our emotions. This can lead to many couples using this unrealistic standard to measure the quality of love in their marriage. They may begin to doubt the strength of their love when they don’t feel the same intense emotions they did at the beginning of their relationship.

However, the Bible paints a different picture for marital love. According to scripture, love is a choice, not just a feeling. Love is based on a promise and is represented by our marriage vows. In Mark 10:2-9, Jesus teaches about the sanctity of marriage and the importance of keeping one’s promises. Proverbs 20:25 states, “It is a trap to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider one’s vows.”

The ultimate analogy for love is how Christ loves his church. He gave up his life for his “bride” even though he didn’t feel like it. In Ephesians 5:25-27, Paul writes about how Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, “that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.”

Christ’s love for the church is the perfect example of what love should look like in a marriage. It is a choice to love, even when we don’t feel like it. It is a promise to love and cherish, even when things are difficult. It is a sacrifice to love, even when it requires giving up something for the sake of the other person.

In conclusion, modern culture depicts love as a feeling that comes and goes, but the Bible teaches that love is a choice, based on a promise and represented by marriage vows. The ultimate analogy for love is how Christ loves his church, and by following this example, we can have a strong and lasting love in our marriages.

Talking Points:
  • Modern culture depicts love as a feeling that comes and goes. Many couples use this unrealistic standard to measure the quality of love in their marriage. 
  • The Bible paints a different picture for marital love: Love is a choice, not just a feeling. Love is based on a promise and is represented by our marriage vows. Mark 10:2-9, Proverbs 20:25
  • The ultimate analogy for love is how Christ loves his church. He gave up his life for his “bride” even though he didn’t feel like it. Ephesians 5:25-27
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. Describe how you think our culture (through entertainment or popular opinion) views love and marriage. Explain. How might those views be fueling the divorce rate in our country?
  3. Make two lists: (1) good feelings you’ve felt in your marriage (2) bad feelings you’ve felt in your marriage. How have feelings affected your marriage, positively and negatively?
  4. Read Proverbs 20:25. Looking back, do you think you understood the commitment you were making on your wedding day? What promises have proven hardest to keep?
  5. List some choices or sacrifices you’ve made for your marriage. How did you come to those decisions?
  6. Read Ephesians 5:25-27. What did Christ do to set his bride (the Church) apart? What would your spouse say you need to do to set the marriage apart more?
  7. Talk about the 5 love languages. Which one is your love language? Which one is your spouse’s primary love language?
  8. What are some practical ways you can start speaking your spouse’s language?

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The Roommate Spouse Is a Bad Idea

Posted: February 2, 2018
It’s easy for couples to focus on the kids and drift apart, moving from an intimate marriage to something more like a roommate relationship.

Talking Points:

  • Kids are one of the main ways spouses can begin relating more like roommates. You’re so busy running your kids from activity to activity and getting caught up in the to-do list that you forget to check in with your spouse. If this pattern persists, you will feel disconnected from your spouse.
  • Careers and technology can also create divides. Instead of taking time to connect, you are distracted by responsibilities at work or your Twitter feed. The danger of this is that once the kids are gone and distractions go away, suddenly you’re looking at each other feeling like strangers. There is no intimacy left.
  • In order to correct this pattern, the first thing you need to do is recognize the problem. Be honest about how each of you feel about the marriage and why you feel distant and disconnected. Then, you need to remember that your marriage came first, before kids and the other distractions. 
  • If you want to reignite your marriage connection, you have to choose to connect. You have to make room in your schedule and room in your heart to let your spouse in again. Making your marriage a priority is a great example to show your kids of what a healthy marriage looks like. Ephesians 5:28-31
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. On a scale from 1-10, how connected do you feel to your spouse right now. Explain.
  3. In your opinion, what are the distractions that have pulled you apart? When did that distance begin?
  4. Have you been honest with your feelings up to now? Explain.
  5. What have you done in the past to try to connect? What worked and what didn’t?
  6. Read Ephesians 5:28-31. What does this passage say about how we are to love? What are some things you can start doing to connect with and love your spouse more?
  7. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

 

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Trust Is Earned, Not Freely Given

Posted: February 27, 2023 | 0 comments

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Trusting someone is one of the most fundamental components of any relationship, be it personal or professional. Trust is the foundation on which relationships are built, and without it, they are likely to crumble. Trust is something that should be earned, not freely given. It takes time and effort to build trust with another person, especially in a marriage.

In marriage, trust is paramount. Without trust, the relationship is likely to suffer. Trust is not something that can be taken for granted, and every spouse needs to work hard to earn and maintain trust from their spouse every day. Trust in a marriage is based on the character of the spouse, not the one who is trusting.

Trust is reactive and measurable. It is something that is built up over time, like a savings account. The more effort and time that is invested in building trust, the greater the return. Trust is also something that can be measured. When someone trusts their spouse, they can point to specifics actions that prove their trustworthiness.

When trust is broken, it can be a painful experience for both spouses. The person who has been betrayed may feel hurt and angry, while the person who has broken the trust may feel guilty and ashamed. This is where forgiveness comes in. Forgiveness is a proactive choice. When someone extends forgiveness to their spouse, it opens the door to restoring broken trust.

In the Bible, Colossians 3:12-13 says, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” This verse reminds us that forgiveness is not only important but also necessary for any relationship to thrive.

In conclusion, trust is an essential component of any relationship, especially in a marriage. It takes time and effort to build trust, and it can be measured over time. Trust is reactive but forgiveness is proactive. By choosing to forgive, we open the door to restoring broken trust and creating a stronger, more resilient relationship.

Talking Points:
  • Trust is relying on the integrity or ability of another person. Your ability to truly trust someone is based on their character, not yours. Deuteronomy 7:9
  • Trust is earned, not freely given. That’s why every spouse needs to work hard to earn trust from their spouse everyday.
  • Trust is reactive and measurable. Building trust happens slowly over time, like building up a savings account.
  • Trust is reactive, but forgiveness is proactive. Extending forgiveness opens the door to restoring broken trust. Colossians 3:12-13
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. Review the definition of trust. What is the basis of trust? Describe a time you’ve given trust to someone who hadn’t proven their integrity to you? What was the result?
  3. Identify one area where you’ve had a hard time trusting your spouse. Why has it been hard to trust them? Identify an area where your spouse has a hard time trusting you? Why?
  4. Review the 3 components to trust (reactive, measurable, takes time). Think about that area where your spouse has a hard time trusting you. How will you incorporate these components to start building that trust?
  5. Read Deuteronomy 7:9. What does it say about God that He is willing to earn our trust? Share ways God has shown his faithfulness to you.
  6. Read Colossians 3:12-13. What role does forgiveness play in earning trust? Is there an area where you need to extend forgiveness to your spouse, even if he/she still has trust to earn?
  7. Write a personal action step based on this conversation.

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The Importance of Forgiveness in Marriage

Posted: February 10, 2017 | 0 comments
You can't earn trust if you aren't willing to forgive your spouse. Forgiveness is the key ingredient that moves you beyond brokenness and toward healing.

Talking Points:

  • Bitterness is a cancer that will kill you first – and then grieve the whole family. Ephesians 4:31-32
  • Forgiveness is a miracle pill that will move your marriage past a trust-shattering mistake. Colossians 3:13
  • Extending trust is reactive, but extending forgiveness is proactive.
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. On a scale from 1-10, how forgiving of a person are you? Explain your answer. What holds you back from scoring higher on the scale?
  3. Read Ephesians 4:31. How have you seen bitterness negatively impact your life or someone else’s life? Why is bitterness a waste of your time?
  4. In your own words, what does it mean that forgiveness is a gift you offer? What does that look like practically?
  5. Read Colossians 3:13. Why does it matter that God first forgave us? How should this affect the way you think about forgiving others?
  6. When you fail, how do you want your spouse to respond to you? What does that teach you about how you should respond when your spouse fails?
  7. Read Ephesians 4:32. Share how unforgiveness has impacted your marriage? List the ways that forgiveness can positively affect your marriage.
  8. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

 

 

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Healthy Couples Keep Talking

Posted: March 6, 2023 | 0 comments
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Every couple has disagreements, and sometimes those disagreements can lead to arguments. However, healthy couples know that communication is key, even when it leads to conflict. In fact, fighting can be good and helpful if you do it the right way.

In Ephesians 4:29, it says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” This means that even in conflict, we should use our words to build up and show grace to our partner.

Avoid the Three Unhealthy “Fight Languages”

There are three unhealthy “fight languages” that can derail a conversation and prevent a couple from solving the issue at hand: escalation, withdrawal, and invalidation.

Escalation is when the intensity of the argument increases and becomes more heated. This can lead to hurtful words and actions that only serve to damage the relationship further.

Withdrawal is when one partner shuts down and stops engaging in the conversation altogether. This can make the other partner feel unheard and lead to resentment.

Invalidation is when one partner dismisses the other’s feelings or experiences. This can feel condescending and hurtful.

Healthy Communication Skills

Healthy communicators use “I feel…because” statements instead of pointing fingers at their spouse. This allows each partner to express their emotions and experiences without placing blame on the other. For example, instead of saying “You never listen to me,” a healthy communicator would say “I feel unheard when I try to share my thoughts and feelings.”

One of the most important aspects of healthy communication is active listening. This means truly listening to what your partner is saying without interrupting or preparing your response before they finish speaking.

When your partner is talking, give them your full attention. Make eye contact, nod to show that you’re listening, and ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand their point of view. Repeat back what they said to show that you heard them and understand their perspective.

Work Together to Find Solutions

Once both partners have expressed their thoughts and feelings, it’s time to work together to find solutions. This means brainstorming ideas and finding a compromise that works for both partners.

It’s important to remember that finding a solution doesn’t mean one partner has to give in to the other. Instead, it means finding a solution that meets both partners’ needs and values.

Talking Points:
  • Healthy couples keep talking, even when it leads to conflict. Fighting is good and helpful if you do it the right way. Ephesians 4:29
  • Avoid the three unhealthy “Fight Languages”: escalation, withdrawal, and invalidation. These habits become the issues that derail you from talking about the issue you’re trying to solve.
  • Healthy communicators use “I feel…because” statements instead of pointing fingers at their spouse. Learn to be an active listener and work together to find solutions.
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. How have you viewed conflict in your marriage up until now?
  3. On a scale from 1-10, how often do you feel like your spouse doesn’t understand your point of view? In your opinion, what contributes to the breakdown?
  4. What’s your primary “Fight Language”? What would your kids (or friends) say?
  5. Read Ephesians 4:29. On a scale from 1-10, rate your ability to use your words constructively. In what ways can you improve?
  6. Review the good habits of communication. Which skill do you need to work on the most? How can those skills help you the next time you have a conflict?
  7. How often do you get to action steps in your conflicts? What keeps you from moving forward?

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How to Manage Your Money as a Couple

Posted: February 5, 2018
Managing money is a basic life challenge. Everyone wants to succeed in this area, but additional challenges arise when a couple manages money together.

Talking Points:

  • Talking about money as a couple will lead to a better understanding of each other’s values as it pertains to managing your finances. The temptation is to assume that your spouse thinks the same way you do.
  • Planners are forward-thinking. They tend to emphasize savings and the creation of wealth. Major concerns for them are purchasing a home, saving for the kids’ college, and retirement. They can become consumed with worry when they are unconvinced that enough preparation and actual saving is occurring for these types of major life events.
  • Spenders “live in the moment.” They worry that there is enough money for the needs of today. While they will agree with the planner that these major life events off in the future are important, they are focused on today’s concerns.
  • A simple trick to make sure you are following through on accomplishing your money goals is to have the money for savings, college expenses, and retirement set aside immediately. By setting aside these funds, you can focus on what’s left to spend on the day to day things.
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. Share whether you are a planner or a spender. Have your spouse do the same. If you’re different, how have those differences caused conflict in the marriage? If you’re the same, how has that caused issues?
  3. Discuss the strengths and weaknesses of being a planner.
  4. Discuss the strengths and weaknesses of being a spender.
  5. Read Jeremiah 29:11 and discuss the way God models being a planner for us.
  6. Read Malachi 3:8-10 and discuss God’s directive for giving. How do you need to adjust your spending to reflect your financial goals? How do you need to make God more of a priority?
  7. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

 

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