Four Pillars of a Man's Heart

In this series, we're going to unpack Stu Weber's book of the same title, looking at the different ways God designed us men to live our lives.

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Shownotes

Hello men, thank you for joining us for another episode. Today, we start a new series unpacking the book “4 Pillars of a Man’s Heart”, by Stu Weber. We’ll explore how these pillars play out in real life, the dangers of imbalance, and, of course, we’ll look to God’s Word as the blueprint. Today, we start with the King Pillar. So, let’s dive in and understand what it means to be a servant leader, setting vision, protecting, and providing for those we love.

Kings are the Biggest Servants

Being a king means we should be the biggest servants in our churches and in our homes. We take our marching orders from the King of Kings.

Matthew 20:25-28  But Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people, and officials flaunt their authority over those under them. 26 But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever wants to be first among you must become your slave. 28 For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

  • The best kings are servant leaders.  As men we should be the biggest servants in our households and in the church.
  • When we are serving our wives and giving ourselves up for them as Christ did the Church, like we’re called to do in Ephesians 5, we’ll find we create an environment where it is much easier for our wives to respond to our leadership.  We are called to lead.  That’s part of the King pillar.
  • When the King pillar is in balance, there is peace.  Borders are secure.  Our home is a refuge.  We’re scanning the horizon of the land looking for threats.
  • When this pillar leans too far to the left, there is drift, lack of leadership, lack of clarity, lack of provision.  When this pillar leans too far to the right we become tyrannical.  Those under our care are afraid to communicate fears and concerns.  They feel unvalued.

A King Sets Vision and A Course

Kings are called to lead.  We don’t make decisions unilaterally and we don’t make them in a vacuum, but we do need to step up and be decisive. We need to set the course for our families.

Genesis 3:6 … Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too.

  • When this pillar leans too far to the left, there is drift, lack of leadership, lack of clarity, lack of provision.  When this pillar leans too far to the right we become tyrannical.  Those under our care are afraid to communicate fears and concerns.  They feel unvalued.
  • Never do we see a clearer example of that than in Genesis chapter 3.  If you grew up in the church, you probably know that Genesis 3 is the fall.  It’s when mankind decided to follow their own thoughts, desires, and opinions over what God had declared to be true.  The serpent twisted God’s Words and when Eve said they weren’t to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil because they would die, The serpent told her, “You surely won’t die. God knows when you eat of it, you will be like God.”  And the woman saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she ate.  That is heart-breaking in and of itself, but as a man, here is the part that hurts even worse.

A King Protects and Provides

When the King pillar is balanced there is safety and peace.  Our home should be a place of refuge for our families.  We seek to make sure all of their needs are met, not just the material needs.

  • In order for a King’s realm to be safe, it also means he’s aware of potential threats.  He’s on the lookout.  He takes initiative to scan the horizon. Are you aware of the potential threats to your family?   Do you know the friends your children spend most of their time with? Do you know the things that cause your wife the most stress and anxiety and have you thought of ways to encourage her, to help her, and remind her of God’s faithfulness?  Are you aware of threats directly aimed at you – like that female co-worker who frequently tells you that you look nice today.  Are you putting up strategic defenses before that threat gets too close?
  • Meeting Needs
  • Physical needs – food, clothing, shelter
  • Emotional needs – Are you filling their tank? Are you speaking their love language? Talk about 5 love languages.
  • Relational needs
  • Sexual Needs
  • Spiritual Needs

Close

A good king knows what it’s like to be under authority.  We take our marching orders from Jesus Christ and the Bible is our manual.

  • Mutual submission is not an oxymoron
  • We submit to Christ’s authority

Talking Points:
  • Being a king means we should be the biggest servants in our churches and in our homes. We take our marching orders from the King of Kings. Matthew 20:25-28, Ephesians 5:25
  • Kings are called to lead.  We don’t make decisions unilaterally and we don’t make them in a vacuum, but we do need to step up and be decisive. We need to set the course for our families.  Genesis 3:6 
  • When the King pillar is balanced there is safety and peace.  Our home should be a place of refuge for our families.  We seek to make sure all of their needs are met, not just the material needs. Ephesians 5:26-27
  • A good king knows what it’s like to be under authority.  We take our marching orders from Jesus Christ and the Bible is our manual.
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. In what ways can you serve others to best represent the ‘King’ pillar?
  3. What are some major decisions in your life or in your household that you’ve had to take the initiative on? How did those around you respond?
  4. What are some ways beyond just the physical that you can protect your family? Would you do the same for others?
  5. Discuss the various ways that men are to be providers. Do you feel like you are better or worse at some versus others?
  6. What is your love language, and do you understand those of your family? Do they know yours, and do you use it to best serve them? (Physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, gift-giving, acts of service)

Click for Shownotes

Hello, men.  Welcome back to the podcast.  Today we’re in our second episode of a 4 part series called 4 pillars of a man’s heart.  This is based on the book with the same title that was written by Stu Weber.  Last episode we looked at the King Pillar and we saw that Jesus has called us to lead, but that he has also given us very clear instructions on how we should lead and that is by being the biggest servants in our homes and our churches.   Today, we’re looking at the warrior pillar.  I want you to notice it isn’t called the fighter pillar.  There is a big difference between being a fighter and a warrior. A fighter is often short-tempered, quarrelsome, insecure, and selfish.  A warrior is self sacrificing, looking out for the greater good rather than his own good, and acts with self control.  In short, a warrior is meek. The word picture behind the word meek in the Bible is that of a bridled war horse.  It isn’t timid.  It isn’t weak.  It is powerful, strong, even ferocious, but it’s under control. 

Identifying the Enemy 

A warrior has to know who the enemy is.  Our enemy is cunning and is always looking for an opportune time to strike. If we’re not careful and intentional we can inflict casualties on our own side. 

Let me start with a couple of passages of scripture…

Ephesians 6:12  For we[a] are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

  • It is so easy to forget who the real enemy is.  

1 Peter 5:8 Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. 

  • Who is our great enemy? – The devil.  Our great enemy isn’t the other side of the political aisle. It isn’t the school board

Tactics of Battle 

We do not wage war like the world does. A warrior needs to remember what the primary objective is and not allow distractions to pull him away from the objective. We would be foolish to enter this battle alone.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. 4 [a]We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. 5 We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. 

  • Look at all of the action words in this passage – wage war, use mighty weapons, knock down strongholds, destroy false arguments, destroy obstacles, capture rebellious thoughts, teach them to obey Christ.  That’s a lot of work.  We can’t be lazy if we’re going to be warriors.  We need to be intentional.  We need to be on mission. 
  • What are these mighty weapons?  Power of the Spirit, Power of God’s Word, truth, Power of prayer 
    • Prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective 

What is my ultimate objective?  It is to go full circle in my pursuit of God.  That means I’m trusting Jesus for salvation.  I’m seeking to live a life that honors and pleases him, and I’m discipling someone and helping someone else go full circle in their pursuit of God.  That doesn’t end with my immediate family, but it sure better start in my household.  If I’m not teaching my kids about God and his love for them, their brokenness and need for a Savior, and the truth of the gospel – I’m not completing the primary objective.  I love the intentionality we see from Solomon in Proverbs 1 as he seeks to pass on wisdom to his son.  

Proverbs 1:8-9 My child,[a] listen when your father corrects you.  Don’t neglect your mother’s instruction. 9 What you learn from them will crown you with grace  and be a chain of honor around your neck. 

Proverbs 1:7 Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline. 

  • Think of all the things you’ve taught your kids to do.  I’ve taught my boys how to throw a ball, They know to keep downwind when they’re hunting if it’s possible.  They know how to cast a lure and clean a fish.  They know how to change a tire, shave, tie a good tie knot.  They know how to frame a football when they catch it and how to keep their hips underneath them when they’re blocking someone.  Some of those are very good things to know, but none of them compares to knowing Jesus.  
  • So many parents have lost sight of the primary objective.  They think it is getting their kids a good education, teaching them a good work ethic, making sure they have a comfortable lifestyle or that they make the varsity team in their chosen sport or first chair in the band, or student body president.  None of those things are bad in and of themselves.  They can all be good things, but they aren’t the main thing.  The main thing is for us to raise children who love Jesus, who understand how much Jesus loves them, and who want to share that message with a broken world around them.  Are the things you’re fighting for helping your kids to accomplish that primary objective or are they distracting them?  
  • I second guess some of my decisions all of the time related to my kids’ sports activities. 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. 

Suiting Up for Battle 

A warrior needs to know how to handle his weapons

Ephesians 6:10-17 A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. 12 For we[d] are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

13 Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. 14 Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. 15 For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.[e] 16 In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.[f] 17 Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

18 Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.[g

  • Put on every piece of God’s armor. I’m not putting on my armor.  My armor wouldn’t be very effective.  It wouldn’t be powerful.  This is God’s armor.  It is from him and there’s also a sense in which it is his armor.  In the OT it is the Lord who wears the armor and now he shares that armor with us. 
  • Are you suiting up? Do you wear the belt of truth?  

Close

There is something in the way God wired us that causes us to resonate with warriors.  Think of your favorite Bible stories – David and Goliath, Gideon, Caleb taking the hill country in his 80s.  Real warriors stand in the gap.

Talking Points:

  • A warrior has to know who the enemy is.  Our enemy is cunning and is always looking for an opportune time to strike. If we’re not careful and intentional we can inflict casualties on our own side.  Ephesians 6:12, 1 Peter 5:8
  • We do not wage war like the world does. A warrior needs to remember what the primary objective is and not allow distractions to pull him away from the objective. We would be foolish to enter this battle alone. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5, Proverbs 1:8-9, Proverbs 1:7
  • A warrior needs to know how to handle his weapons. Ephesians 6:10-17

Discussion:

  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. What are your first thoughts when you hear the word “warrior”? How did your impression shift as you listened to the podcast?
  3. Who is our “great enemy”? What are things he uses against us, and how can we stay alert against these things?
  4. “We do not wage war like the world does. A warrior needs to remember what the primary objective is and not allow distractions to pull him away from the objective.” As men of God, what is our “primary objective”?
  5. What does it mean to go “full circle” with God? What are some challenges we may face as we lead our families in this way?
  6. Read Ephesians 6:18. How is your prayer life? Why is this an important weapon against our enemy?

Click for Shownotes

The word mentor is used in all sorts of settings in today’s culture; the business world, personal training and athletics, men’s groups and churches.  It may mean slightly different things depending upon the setting.  The origins of the word mentor come out of ancient Greece. 

  • Our heart has always been to help men go full circle in their pursuit of God. That means they start a relationship with God by trusting in Jesus for salvation – trusting that his finished work on the cross is the only thing that can make them right with a holy God.  Once we’ve done that, we seek to live lives that honor God. We find out what pleases God, primarily through his Word, and then through the power of the Holy Spirit we endeavor to do those things that please him and eliminate those things in our lives that displease him. Lastly, we help someone else pursue God.  It is ultimately by helping someone else that we will mature in our faith. 
  • The purpose of this podcast, and all of the resources at pursue God, is not only to help you grow in your faith, but to equip you to have spiritual conversations with someone else so that you can help them pursue God as well.  

Mentors have helped shape you

Think about the men who had an impact on you growing up.  What did they have in common?  How were they different?  God uses all sorts of men to pour into us and help us grow. 

  • My Dad, Coach Doyle, Steve Timmons, Don Emerson, Jonathan Koehler, Chad Hewitt, Bryan Dwyer 

Mentoring should start in the home

One of our primary roles as a parent is to mentor.  We’re supposed to teach our kids how life works. We should be modeling what it looks like to pursue God full circle, but we also need to be talking about it with our kids.  

Proverbs 1:8-9 My child,[a] listen when your father corrects you.  Don’t neglect your mother’s instruction.

9 What you learn from them will crown you with grace and be a chain of honor around your neck.

Proverbs 4:1-4 My children,[a] listen when your father corrects you. Pay attention and learn good judgment,2 for I am giving you good guidance. Don’t turn away from my instructions.3 For I, too, was once my father’s son, tenderly loved as my mother’s only child. 4 My father taught me,“Take my words to heart. Follow my commands, and you will live.

  • Look at the intentionality here.  
  • A good mentor doesn’t make it all about themselves.  They’re not insecure or seeking to build themselves up.  
  • Think of all of the things you’ve taught your children. Some of it by specifically teaching them, but much of it, just by your example.  Your children have learned a lot about life, just by watching and observing.  My wife told me recently that she and my daughter Hannah were on a walk by our house and Hannah kept spitting.  Finally, Rhonda asked her if she was getting stuffy and why she was spitting so much.  Hannah said, “I’m just being like dad.” Evidently, I spit a lot when I go on hikes.  

Ecclesiastes 7:12 Wisdom and money can get you almost anything, but only wisdom can save your life. 

  • Are you passing along wisdom? 

=God wants to use mentors to build his kingdom and his church

God’s plan for building his kingdom and his church is to work through his people.  There are people in your circle of influence that need you to pour into them.  Mentoring sometimes requires us to speak hard truth. 

Titus 2:6-7  In the same way, encourage the young men to live wisely. 7 And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good works of every kind. Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching.

  • We see again the importance of verbal coaching and coaching by example.  Encourage the young men to live wisely AND be an example to them.  He doesn’t say by being an example to them. Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching – your lifestyle should reinforce what you’re speaking to these young men.  

2 Timothy 2:2 You have heard me teach things that have been confirmed by many reliable witnesses. Now teach these truths to other trustworthy people who will be able to pass them on to others.

  • Look at how many generations are represented in this verse – 5 levels

1 Timothy 1:2 I am writing to Timothy, my true son in the faith. May God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord give you grace, mercy, and peace.

  • The whole letter to Timothy is a form of mentoring. 
  • Discipleship is relationship.  Paul considered Timothy his “Son” in the faith.  

Close

Mentoring isn’t just for an hour on Tuesdays.  It’s moment by moment.  It’s a lifetime of pouring into others.  

Talking Points:
  • The word mentor is used in all sorts of settings in today’s culture; the business world, personal training and athletics, men’s groups and churches.  It may mean slightly different things depending upon the setting.  The origins of the word mentor come out of ancient Greece. (page 186) Proverbs 1:8-9, Proverbs 4:1-4
  • Think about the men who had an impact on you growing up.  What did they have in common?  How were they different?  God uses all sorts of men to pour into us and help us grow. 
  • One of our primary roles as a parent is to mentor.  We’re supposed to teach our kids how life works. We should be modeling what it looks like to pursue God full circle, but we also need to be talking about it with our kids.  
  • God’s plan for building his kingdom and his church is to work through his people.  There are people in your circle of influence that need you to pour into them.  Mentoring sometimes requires us to speak hard truths.
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. Identify some mentors in your own life. How have they impacted you as you’ve gone through different seasons?
  3. As men, how can we be effective mentors to those in our lives? Our friends? Our families?
  4. Have you seen mentorship go poorly? Explain. What were some of the problems and how could they have been handled differently?
  5. Read Titus 2:6-7. Do your actions align with your words? Why is this important in a mentoring relationship?
  6. What is the ultimate goal of mentoring? Why is mentorship one of the four pillars?
Click for Shownotes

Today we’re wrapping up our series, “4 pillars of a man’s heart” written by Stu Weber.  We’ve looked at the king pillar, warrior pillar, mentor pillar, and today we close with the friend pillar.

G.K. Chesterton – “The only two things that can satisfy the soul are a person and a story; and even the story must be about a person.” 

Weber – People connecting.  And you were made for it. Yes you, man. Right there, resident in your chest, there is – 

A king to provide

A warrior to protect

A mentor to teach and don’t ever forget it, a Friend to connect. 

But, for some internalized reason, we men find it difficult to accept that final pillar.  Most of us are happy to step into the responsibilities of a king or warrior.  We might struggle with the mentor pillar, but deep down that makes sense, too.  Men are supposed to know how things work, and that, too, represents strength, power, and authority. But this friend thing? We seem to hold back, reluctant to take the plunge. 

  • Even as I re-read this book, it was the friend pillar that I was the most reluctant to embrace.  It’s the one that caused me to inwardly groan just a little bit.  I felt more weight than the others. 
  • Why is that? We’re going to explore that today. But I think an underlying reason for me is simply selfishness.  

We were created for connection

We were created for relationship and connection; relationship with our creator and relationship with others.  God is a God of relationship, and we are created in his image. For many men, this is the pillar that seems the hardest to shore up. 

Genesis 1:26  Then God said, “Let us make human beings[a] in our image, to be like us.

  • We were created in the image of God.  Part of the image of God is that he is a God of connection.  It is literally wired into us. The triune nature of God speaks to relationship between the persons of the Godhead – Father, Son, Holy Spirit.  God is relationship.  It is essential to his essence. It would be wrong to say God needs relationship, God doesn’t need anything, but there has never been a time when God existed outside of relationship.  

Genesis 2:18 – It is not good for man to be alone.

  • Immediate context is marriage, but I think there is an overarching principle here. We were created for connection.  
  • Think of all of the one another verses in the Bible.  The commands of Jesus are to be lived out in the context of relationship.  

Friendship with the King 

Our relationship with those around us will always be lacking if we haven’t developed our friendship with God. Does it blow your mind that God invites you to be his friend? 

John 15:15  I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

  • A friend knows what their friend likes.  Do you know what pleases Jesus?  
  • Are you listening to him? What kind of friendship would you have without communication?  Communication is a two way street – there is listening and talking.  Are you praying?  In your prayer time, are you listening?  Are you listening as you read his Word?  

Matthew 28:18-20  Jesus came and told his disciples, “I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth. 19 Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations,[b] baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. 20 Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

  • Jesus gives us this command to be on mission and then he says, I will be with you always.  I’m right there.  
  • Some of my closest friendships in high school were with teammates.  

Friendship Comes at a Cost

The friend pillar is difficult because it requires unselfishness and transparency.  It’s in the context of real relationships and all the messes of life that our true character is revealed.  That’s frightening for most of us, and many young men, in particular, have never learned how to be a friend.  

1 Samuel 18:1-4 As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. 2 And Saul took him that day and would not let him return to his father’s house. 3 Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. 4 And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt.

1 Samuel 20 – story of David and Jonathan   

  • A one sided relationship is parasitic.  We can’t just be a taker. 
  • Sacrifice and unselfishness is key in any friendship.
  • Transparency can be scary.  Keeping people at a distance is a protective measure. Social media is so easy to edit/manage to make sure we’re projecting the image we want to project.  It is a cheap substitute for real relationship.  

Close

Ecclesiastes 4:12 NLT: A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

  • Develop and pursue our friendship with Jesus and develop friendships with at least 2 to 3 other men.
Talking Points:
  • We were created for relationship and connection; relationship with our creator and relationship with others.  God is a God of relationship, and we are created in his image. For many men, this is the pillar that seems the hardest to shore up. 
  • Our relationship with those around us will always be lacking if we haven’t developed our friendship with God. Does it blow your mind that God invites you to be his friend? 
  • The friend pillar is difficult because it requires unselfishness and transparency.  It’s in the context of real relationships and all the messes of life that our true character is revealed.  That’s frightening for most of us, and many young men, in particular, have never learned how to be a friend. 
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. Why is it typically harder for men to embrace this pillar (friend) versus the other ones (king, warrior, mentor)?
  3. What’s the difference between the friend pillar and the mentor pillar? Why are they both important?
  4. Read John 15:15. What does it mean to be “friends” with God? What are ways we can develop this relationship?
  5. “The friend pillar is difficult because it requires unselfishness and transparency.” Agree or disagree? What are other difficult things the friend pillar may require?
  6. Think about some ways you want to grow in this pillar. Make a list.
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