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The Art of Listening – Why It Matters More Than You Think

In today’s fast-paced world, we hear a lot—but are we really listening? Studies show that we spend nearly 45% of our waking hours engaged in listening, yet most of us retain only 50% of what we hear immediately and a mere 25% after 48 hours. This begs the question: Are we truly engaged in meaningful conversations, or are we just passively absorbing noise?

The Science Behind Listening

Research reveals that people hear between 20,000 – 30,000 words a day (about 1,200 – 1,800 words per hour). Meanwhile, the average person speaks only about 16,000 words daily, meaning we listen far more than we talk. Despite this, studies suggest our listening retention is remarkably low.

One of the most significant reasons for this is that listening is often seen as a passive activity. However, true listening is an intentional process that requires mental engagement, empathy, and reflection. Without these, our ability to retain and comprehend information diminishes drastically.

Hearing vs. Listening: What’s the Difference?

Proverbs 18:2 says, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” This biblical wisdom highlights a key distinction: hearing is passive, but listening is active. Hearing simply happens when sound waves reach our eardrums, but listening demands comprehension and engagement.

Additionally, science tells us that men and women process auditory information differently. Women tend to engage both hemispheres of their brains when listening, while men primarily use just one. This may explain why women are often more attuned to emotional nuances, while men focus more on content.

Common Myths About Listening

Myth #1: Every conversation must end in a solution.
Many believe that every discussion should lead to a resolution, but in reality, people often just want to feel heard. Instead of jumping to problem-solving, try acknowledging emotions first. For instance, saying, “I understand why you’re upset. That sounds really important to you,” can go a long way in validating someone’s feelings.

Myth #2: Listening is passive.
Many assume that listening just means being silent while someone speaks. In truth, active listening involves full engagement—nodding, maintaining eye contact, and providing verbal affirmations like “I see” or “That makes sense.”

Myth #3: Some people are just naturally good listeners.
While some may be more inclined toward empathetic listening, listening is a skill that can be developed. With intentionality and practice, anyone can improve their ability to listen and understand others more effectively.

Practical Tips for Becoming a Better Listener

Be Present – Put down your phone, step away from distractions, and give your full attention. Nonverbal Cues Matter – Eye contact, nodding, and facial expressions communicate attentiveness. Clarify and Reflect – Repeat or paraphrase what you’ve heard to confirm understanding. Respond with Empathy – Acknowledge emotions before providing input.

What Does the Bible Say About Listening?

James 1:19 – “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”
Hebrews 12:14 – “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness, no one will see the Lord.”

The Bible repeatedly emphasizes the importance of being quick to listen and slow to speak. In a culture where everyone wants to voice their opinions, true wisdom lies in the ability to listen first.

Final Thoughts

Real listening isn’t just a skill—it’s a choice. Whether in relationships, friendships, or workplaces, being a better listener fosters understanding, reduces conflict, and builds stronger connections. By actively listening, you demonstrate respect, empathy, and a desire for true communication.

Next time you’re in a conversation, challenge yourself to truly listen—not just to respond, but to understand. After all, as Proverbs 18:13 reminds us, “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.”

Talking Points:
  • True listening is an active process that involves understanding and empathizing with the speaker, not just hearing the words. It’s about fully engaging with the speaker’s emotions and perspective, which is essential for stronger relationships and better communication.
  • Research shows that women typically engage both hemispheres of the brain when listening, which allows them to pick up on emotional cues, while men tend to use one hemisphere, focusing more on the content. Recognizing these differences can improve communication and understanding between genders.
  • Listening isn’t passive or automatic. It’s an active skill that requires practice and attention. Myths like “good listeners are born” or “listening always requires solutions” can hinder effective communication. Listening to understand and validate feelings is often more important than offering advice or fixing problems.
  • Active listening means giving your full attention, free from distractions, and showing engagement through nonverbal cues like eye contact and nodding. Reflecting on what’s been said helps ensure understanding, and responding thoughtfully with empathy shows respect for the speaker’s perspective.

This topic is adapted from the book The Lost Art of Listening by Michael Nichols, PhD.

Discussion Questions:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. Who is the best listener you know? What makes them stand out as a great listener?
  3. On a scale of 1-10, how often do you feel understood by your spouse? Explain. What number would your spouse give you? Explain.
  4. How do you know if your spouse is really listening to you or not?
  5. In your own words, what’s the difference between empathetic listening versus just listening? What are the specific skills that a great listener possesses?
  6. What does it communicate to you when your spouse really shows that they want to understand your perspective?
  7. What is the benefit of asking good questions of your spouse? How does that help you to become a better listener?
  8. Read James 1:19. What typically happens when you and your spouse have a disagreement? How would it impact your argument if you were both quick to listen and slow to speak?
  9. Read Matthew 7:24. Listening is important in our spiritual journey as well. What is wisdom and how does listening help you to become wiser?
  10. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?
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