Helping Others Who Grieve

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When people around us are grieving a loss, most of us don’t feel confident to know how to offer comfort. But you can really make a difference for a grieving person if you remember a few basic principles. If you’re grieving today, you may not think this lesson is for you. But it may help you understand your own grief. And you will most likely have the opportunity to help others with their grief someday.

Start by Understanding Grief

The symptoms of grief can be seen in many Psalms and other Bible passages, as well as just by observing people.

• Physical symptoms might include headaches, changes in appetite, insomnia, and fatigue. Intense grief compromises the immune system, making people susceptible to illness.
• Emotional symptoms include shock, disbelief, numbness, and increasing sadness. At some point, a grieving person will feel the acute absence of their loved one. He or she might feel anger, hopelessness, and anxiety – all in turn or more than one emotion at once. Things may feel out of control. The grieving person may feel guilt over unresolved conflicts and regrets, or may think they should have done more. Often they will feel relief that a difficult situation is now over – which can be confusing and make the grieving person question their love.
• Grief brings mental symptoms. A grieving person may feel lack of concentration, distraction, or forgetfulness.

Grief usually progresses through stages, from shock and denial to ultimate acceptance. But the stages are not simply predictable. Each person’s grief is unique and moves forward on its own timetable. Grief cannot be fit into neat little boxes. But understanding grief can help you empathize with those who grieve.

Romans 12:15 Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.

God wants us to share each others’ joys and burdens. That includes grief, so it’s good to try to understand grief.

Offer Help in Practical Ways

• Physical touch. Give a hug. Put your hand non the grieving person’s shoulder. Of course, you should be sensitive to each person’s touch tolerance and sense of personal space. And be appropriate with people of the opposite gender. But simple touch can provide a boost.
• Personal presence. Call or stop by. Invite the grieving person out to eat. You don’t have to do anything special. Often grieving people simpy don’t want to be alone. Remember to continue checking in on your friend. Grief lasts months. The first year can be especially difficult. The grieving person has to get through the first major holiday without their loved one, their partner’s next birthday, and other significant days. Pretty soon after the funeral, people get back to their normal lives, but the grieving person doesn’t have that luxury.
• Practical arrangements. Grief swallows up huge amounts of personal energy. People can use help in so many ordinary ways. Don’t wait to be asked. You don’t have to be overbearing, but you can simply ask: “Can I help?” Be specific. Your friend may not have ideas of how you can help. So ask about particular chores: “Can I bring over a meal?” or “Do you mind if I pick up a few things for you at the store?” or “I’d like to wash your car this weekend.” Look for practical tasks that your friend may not have the energy to do.

Be a Good Listener

Everyone needs someone to listen. Here’s how. It starts by making yourself available.

• Truly listen. Listen attentively. Really pay attention to what your friend is saying and how they are saying it. Listen compassionately, with a desire to be empathetic. Don’t correct what you hear. Now is not the time to set someone straight. Just listen non-judgementally. Don’t make it about you. Don’t share similar experiences. When you do, you swing the focus back to yourself. Don’t say, “I know just how you feel.” You probably don’t. Just listen!
• Be very thoughtful about what you say. For example, don’t offer generic platitudes like “He’s in a better place” or “God must have needed her more in heaven than here on earth.” Those sound sappy and insensitive. Sometimes we say things like that just to feel better about ourselves or to reduce our awkwardness. It’s better to say nothing at all.
• There is a time and place for words of comfort and hope. Make sure they are biblical, based on the actual promises of God, and not just pop culture sayings. Offer them sensitively, not as a quick fix to emotional pain. Be very cautious about offering advice. Don’t give advice unless you’re specifially asked for it. What your friend needs is not unsolicited advice as much as your presence and support.

You earn the right to speak because you’ve been present and engaged. Don’t speak up until you have demonstrated your care and concern in concrete way.

The Example of Job’s Friends

Job was a righteous man who served God. One day, he lost all of his sons and daughters in a tornado. Then he himself was stricken with a plague and many other misfortunes.

Job 2:11-13 When Job’s friends heard of the tragedy he had suffered, they got together and traveled from their homes to comfort and console him. When they saw Job from a distance, they scarcely recognized him. Wailing loudly, they tore their robes and threw dust into the air over their heads to show their grief. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. No one said a word to Job, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words.

First, Job’s friends made themselves available. They traveled from their homes to see him. They openly shared in his grief. They expressed their emotions. Then they just sat with him in silence. They were simply present with him.

Later, we learn that they opened their mouths to speak. That’s when they were no longer helpful. They tried to give answers to the question “why?” They even blamed Job for the calamities that befell him. But in the end, God made it clear that Job would not get an answer to the “why?” question. We don’t always know why people die when they do. So our attempts at giving answers can be shallow and false.

What Job’s friends demonstrate is that you can best help grieving people by supporting them with your emotional and physical presence.