John Gottman is a renowned relationship expert who has studied many couples in his love lab. He boasts of his ability to predict with 91% accuracy those who stay married and those that end in divorce by observing how couples communicate and interact with one another.
A couple’s ability to communicate is obviously foundational to a healthy marriage. Gottman would say there are 4 communication styles that often lead to the end of marriage because of the damage they inflict on couples.
#1: Criticism
Criticism goes deeper than just a complaint. A complaint is about a specific behavior that is annoying or troubling. But criticism speaks more to the character and personality of the person.
Your marriage is in trouble if one or both of you are always critical. Critical words are hurtful and demoralizing.
Sign #2: Contempt
Contempt speaks to feelings of superiority and disrespect for the other. More than just being critical, it’s about one spouse feeling like they are a better, smarter, and a more reasonable person than the other.
This includes eye-rolling and mocking your spouse for being more tired, more overwhelmed, too dramatic or irresponsible. Like criticism, contempt is a dangerous communication style. Your contemptuous words cut to the core of your spouse of who they are and what they have to offer.
Instead of resorting to contempt, talk to your spouse about the habits or personality traits that annoy you. Think about how you would want your spouse to approach you with their grievances. Be kind. Be clear. Be patient.
Sign #3: Defensiveness
This means not taking responsibility for actions and blaming the other person for their mistakes. It’s hard to resolve conflict if both parties can’t take ownership for their part.
Take an inventory of your words and actions and recognize that both of you contribute to the issues in some form or fashion. Instead of deflecting and blaming the other, look for ways you can take responsibility and grow.
Sign #4: Stonewalling
Stonewalling is another name for shutting down and refusing to talk. This is a lethal response to healthy conflict resolution where one spouse refuses to engage in the conversation.
Healthy communication can’t be a one-sided endeavor. It takes both of you. If you feel like you need space to order your thoughts, take a time out, but don’t stonewall and refuse to engage. Maybe you need clearer boundaries if your spouse makes you feel unsafe in conflict. Address that. Be clear about your expectations. Seek counseling if you can’t get there on your own.
Ephesians 4:29 Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.
Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
