Let’s look at some common signs of a lack of boundaries with the family we grew up in.
Relational: (Second Fiddle) This is a common sign of a lack of boundaries with the family of origin: one spouse feels like they gets leftovers. They feel as if their mate’s real allegiance is to their parents. God has designed the process whereby a “man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh”
This is where one spouse feels displaced when around foo. Feel like the opinions or wishes of family override feelings of spouse.
Emotional: (Virus) A common scenario is this: one spouse doesn’t have good emotional boundaries with the family they grew up when so when they have contact with them by phone or in person, they change. They might become depressed, angry or insecure. They give one person way too much power in their life.
Financial: This happens when a young couple gets into financial trouble or are trying to live a lifestyle like their upbringing and ask Mom and Dad to help out. Then the lines get blurred because Mom and Dad have more of a say in your life because of their financial investment.
Reverse enmeshment: The parents act like the children.They rely on you for financial support which puts pressure on your spouse and your own family budget.
Triangulation
The failure to resolve a conflict between two persons and the pulling in a third to take sides. Triangulation where family member A is mad at family member B but doesn’t confront B. Goes to C to complain and gossip.
Talking Points:
Enmeshment is what happens without healthy boundaries. You allow the dynamics of your family of origin control you and it negatively impacts your own family.
Relational enmeshment means your allegiance is more to your family of origin than to your spouse.
Emotional enmeshment means your emotional state is affected by your interactions with your family of origin. Your spouse might say, “You’re different around your family than you are at home.”
Financial enmeshment means you’re allowing your parents to have some level of control through their financial support. The reverse can also be true where you have financial responsibility for parents blurring the boundaries.
Triangulation is when one family member doesn’t deal with conflict directly but involves other family members in the dispute.
Discussion:
Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
Describe your typical experience with your family. How about with the in-laws. (holidays, family dinner, reunion). What are some pros and cons to each family?
Do you notice your stress level rising when you’re about to spend time with either family? Explain. Do you notice your spouse’s stress level rising around family? Explain.
Of the 3 boundaries mentioned, which one best describes your family dynamic? How is each one damaging to you?
Read Ephesians 4:29. How have you seen triangulation in each of your families? How has it done damage to all involved?
Read Ephesians 5:31. What are some boundaries you need to put in place with your family? With your spouse’s family? How will you go about communicating those boundaries?
The official faith and life podcast for the discipleship resources at pursueGOD.org. Great for families, small groups, and one-on-one mentoring. New sermonlink topics every Friday.
