Boundary markers show us where one property ends and another begins. Here’s the paradox: recognizing those markers in marriage will make for a better union, not a more disjointed one. In this lesson we talk about four major areas where healthy couples set up boundary markers.
- Marriage doesn’t mean you lose your identity or that being one means you have no sense of self. You do! You should!
- Conflict in marriage often comes when one infringes on the other’s boundaries and tries to control the spouse. Or when we make our spouse responsible for our feelings or meeting our unspoken desires.
How You Feel
Your spouse can’t control how you feel. That’s on you. You are responsible for your emotions and you have to be brave enough to articulate them to your spouse. (Law of Responsibility)
- You can express how your spouse’s actions affect you but your angry outburst or silent punishment is your choice.
- Steady Eddie vs Roller Coaster
- You don’t need to run cover for your spouse’s moodiness or angry outbursts. They are responsible for their own actions. And, we need to loving confront our spouse when they are manipulative or toxic.
- The doormat (compliant) vs. The bulldozer (controller)
What You Expect
The Law of exposure says you need to voice your desires and needs so your spouse can get on the same page. Your spouse can’t read your mind so you have to share your expectations and be ready to compromise.
- The vault vs. the over-sharer
- You can’t punish your spouse for unwritten rules.
The Work You Do
You can’t do everything for everyone, so be honest with your spouse about your limitations.
- Go-getter vs. Video-gamer
- The people pleaser
Your Time Together
You don’t have to spend all your time together. It’s okay to ask for some free time.
- It’s good to have personal hobbies apart from your spouse.. It’s okay to enjoy time apart. Being one doesn’t mean you lose all sense of self.
- Introvert vs. Extrovert
The Takeaway
Boundary markers show us where one property ends and another begins. Here’s the paradox: recognizing those markers in marriage will make for a better union, not a more disjointed one. It takes two people with tender, responsive hearts to make a marriage great.
