The good news is that there are 10 laws of boundaries, outlined in the book “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, that can help you establish healthy boundaries in your life. In this blog post, we’ll take a closer look at these laws and explore how they can help you live a more fulfilling and balanced life.

Law #1: The Law of Sowing and Reaping

The Law of Sowing and Reaping states that you reap what you sow. In other words, the choices you make today will have consequences in the future. If you sow healthy boundaries today, you’ll reap the benefits of those boundaries in the future. Don’t be codependent and protect people from the consequences of their choices.

• Galatians 6:7 Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. 8 Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit.

Law #2: The Law of Responsibility

The Law of Responsibility states that you’re responsible for your own life and well-being. This means that you’re responsible for setting and maintaining your own boundaries. “Love one another, don’t be on another.” We can’t make someone else change.

Law #3: The Law of Power

The Law of Power states that you have the power to control your own life and set your own boundaries. You don’t have to let others control you or dictate your choices.

Law #4: The Law of Respect

The Law of Respect states that you should respect the boundaries of others, just as you want them to respect your boundaries. This means that you should be mindful of other people’s needs and feelings when setting your own boundaries.

• Matt 7:12 Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.

Law #5: The Law of Motivation

The Law of Motivation states that your boundaries should be motivated by love, not fear or anger. When you set boundaries out of fear or anger, they’re less likely to be effective in the long run. Can’t be motivated by fear of rejection or hurting someone’s feelings with your boundaries. “Freedom first. Service second”. Some people give and give trying to stay in the good graces of others. It just doesn’t work over time. You grow resentful.

Law #6: The Law of Evaluation

The Law of Evaluation states that you should regularly evaluate your boundaries to make sure they’re still serving you. Boundaries should be flexible and adaptable, not rigid and unchanging.

• Eph 4:15 Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.

Law #7: The Law of Proactivity

The Law of Proactivity states that you should be proactive in setting your own boundaries, rather than waiting for others to set them for you. This means taking ownership of your life and being assertive when necessary.

Law #8: The Law of Envy

The Law of Envy states that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others or envy their boundaries. Everyone’s situation is unique, and what works for someone else may not work for you. Rather than wasting energy on wishing you had what someone else has, be proactive and make the changes necessary to have those things. 

Law #9: The Law of Activity

The Law of Activity states that you should be actively working to establish and maintain your boundaries. Boundaries require effort and attention to be effective.

• 2 Tim 1:17 For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

Law #10: The Law of Exposure

The Law of Exposure states that you should be open and honest about your boundaries with others. This means communicating your needs and expectations clearly and respectfully.

We all have that friend who wants to dominate our time or the friend who never initiates plans. It’s frustrating if you don’t have the right expectations and boundaries in place. 

Today we’re going to describe 4 common dynamics that happen in friendships and how a lack of proper boundaries can lead to hurt and frustration.

Compliant – Compliant “Whatever you want”

We’ve discussed the compliant personality in other episodes. Two compliant friends likely leads to inauthentic friendship. Here’s why. Neither person is honest about their true feelings for fear of hurting the other person. So both say “yes” to plans they don’t want to do. Both end up feeling resentful of the other because they’re doing things they don’t want to do.

How do you draw a boundary in this dynamic? Speak up. Be honest when you said yes but meant no. Invite your friend to be honest, too. Make a commitment to not commit to a request for 24 hrs and make sure you really want to do something. If you decide you don’t, say no.

Compliant – Controlling (Aggressive) “My way or the highway”

This dynamic is the most obvious. You have the compliant just trying to keep the peace and the aggressive dominating and controlling. Even though the compliant is allowing the dynamic, they internally resent it. 

How do you draw a boundary? Compliant likely needs to be the one to say “enough”. The aggressive is probably clueless because they’ve grown accustomed to getting their way in every relationship. Be clear about how you feel and why it frustrates and say you won’t give into aggressives every wish moving forward. It’s a new negotiation for a different kind of friendship. The compliant needs to take responsibility for their resentment and draw the boundary. The aggressive needs to respect the boundary. 

Compliant – Controlling (Manipulative) “Help! I need you”

The manipulative controller is less obvious than the aggressive but the result is the same-it’s always their way. In this dynamic, the compliant is always rescuing or on call for the manipulative friend. The manipulator doesn’t plan ahead so they often find themselves in a bind due to their lack of planning. The compliant grows tired of being used so they create distance. 

How do you draw the boundary? Compliant needs to address it. Clearly stating how they feel used by the manipulator and that they aren’t going to be the rescuer every time. Express a desire for a give and take relationship where both serve and help the other. 

Compliant – non-responsive “I always initiate”

Compliant feels like they do all the work in the friendship. They reach out to make plans or to check in. The non-responsive never does that. Compliant feels unimportant. Non-responsive may feel overwhelmed by the compliants need for attention.

How do you draw a boundary? Both speak up. Compliant can be honest that they feel undervalued when the other never reaches out or initiates. Non-responsive may need to be honest about their ability to be the kind of friend the other needs. If expectations can’t match, stop forcing the friendship and maybe move on.

Boundary markers show us where one property ends and another begins. Here’s the paradox: recognizing those markers in marriage will make for a better union, not a more disjointed one. In this lesson we talk about four major areas where healthy couples set up boundary markers.

• Marriage doesn’t mean you lose your identity or that being one means you have no sense of self. You do! You should!
• Conflict in marriage often comes when one infringes on the other’s boundaries and tries to control the spouse. Or when we make our spouse responsible for our feelings or meeting our unspoken desires.

How You Feel

Your spouse can’t control how you feel. That’s on you. You are responsible for your emotions and you have to be brave enough to articulate them to your spouse. (Law of Responsibility)

• You can express how your spouse’s actions affect you but your angry outburst or silent punishment is your choice.
• Steady Eddie vs Roller Coaster
• You don’t need to run cover for your spouse’s moodiness or angry outbursts. They are responsible for their own actions. And, we need to loving confront our spouse when they are manipulative or toxic.
• The doormat (compliant) vs. The bulldozer (controller)

What You Expect

The Law of exposure says you need to voice your desires and needs so your spouse can get on the same page. Your spouse can’t read your mind so you have to share your expectations and be ready to compromise.

• The vault vs. the over-sharer
• You can’t punish your spouse for unwritten rules.

The Work You Do

You can’t do everything for everyone, so be honest with your spouse about your limitations.

• Go-getter vs. Video-gamer
• The people pleaser

Your Time Together

You don’t have to spend all your time together. It’s okay to ask for some free time.

• It’s good to have personal hobbies apart from your spouse.. It’s okay to enjoy time apart. Being one doesn’t mean you lose all sense of self.
• Introvert vs. Extrovert

The Takeaway

Boundary markers show us where one property ends and another begins. Here’s the paradox: recognizing those markers in marriage will make for a better union, not a more disjointed one. It takes two people with tender, responsive hearts to make a marriage great.

Every parent wants their kids to grow up to be healthy, independent adults. That doesn’t just magically happen! The work you put in during the parenting years will directly impact the health of your kids. 

Parenting is about transferring ownership to your kids, teaching them about safety, respect and setting goals and sticking to them.  

Proverbs 22:6 Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.

Boundaries are the mechanism that teaches your kids how to operate in the world around them. You start when they’re young-in the toddler years – and build upon them as they grow and mature. 

Three Boundaries every kid needs:

• SAFETY – Learning about personal safety will keep your kids on alert and out of danger and teaches them to take responsibility for their choices.

• RESPECT – Teaching your kids respect is not just about obeying authority figures. It’s also learning how to be aware of other people’s feelings.

• GOAL SETTING – Setting goals and sticking to them helps your kids understand delayed gratification and sticking with their commitments.

Discipline reinforces the boundaries you’re trying to teach. Effective discipline means it’s costly, age appropriate and proportionate to the offense. 

Discipline should have three elements: 

• costly – it “hurts” and your kids want to avoid the consequence.

• Discipline should adjust with the age of your kids. You don’t spank an infant or an 17 year old. Figure out the currency that speaks to them and then use that as the punishment.

• And don’t discipline the same way for every offense. Not making the bed is a different infraction from coming home late from curfew.

Hebrews 12:11 No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.

Parents, you have to put in the work and be dedicated to the process. You have to set the expectations for your kids and follow through every time.

Let’s look at some common signs of a lack of boundaries with the family we grew up in. 

• Relational: (Second Fiddle) This is a common sign of a lack of boundaries with the family of origin: one spouse feels like they gets leftovers. They feel as if their mate’s real allegiance is to their parents. God has designed the process whereby a “man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh”
  • This is where one spouse feels displaced when around foo. Feel like the opinions or wishes of family override feelings of spouse. 
• Emotional: (Virus) A common scenario is this: one spouse doesn’t have good emotional boundaries with the family they grew up when so when they have contact with them by phone or in person, they change. They might become depressed, angry or insecure. They give one person way too much power in their life.
• Financial: This happens when a young couple gets into financial trouble or are trying to live a lifestyle like their upbringing and ask Mom and Dad to help out. Then the lines get blurred because Mom and Dad have more of a say in your life because of their financial investment.
• Reverse enmeshment: The parents act like the children. They rely on you for financial support which puts pressure on your spouse and your own family budget.

Triangulation

The failure to resolve a conflict between two persons and the pulling in a third to take sides. Triangulation where family member A is mad at family member B but doesn’t confront B. Goes to C to complain and gossip.