Last week we talked about how reconciliation is possible if both spouses are willing to work hard and fight for a healthy marriage. We also said that both spouses have different roles to play. 

Today we’re addressing the spouse who has had the affair. Here’s what you need to understand. It’s not too late to change course and save your marriage. Today we will talk about some key steps you need to take to open the door to something new, something better – a healthy marriage with a spouse who can trust you. 

Own up to your mistakes. 

Admit the whole story to your spouse. Don’t make your spouse ask the questions. This doesn’t mean just admitting that you had an affair. That’s an obvious mistake. You need to own up to the thoughts, justifications, excuses and lack of boundaries that led you to the decision to cheat and the opportunity for it. That takes some humble soul searching. It will be tempting to blame your spouse for being emotionally and sexually distant. You will want to let yourself off the hook. If you want to fight for your marriage, you have to die to those reasons. Because the truth is, you could’ve made other choices to fix the marriage but you chose an affair instead. So, rid yourself of the excuses and really own all the mental and emotional gymnastics you did to get where you are. 

James 5:16 6 Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

Seek wise counsel for yourself.
You need to have some trusted people in your life to process with that isn’t your spouse. Your spouse has their own emotions to wrestle through. They can’t be your listening ear for your struggles at this point. You need to continue on the journey of self reflection and readying your heart to battle for your marriage. Also, make sure you talk to people who are going to encourage you to fight for your marriage. Don’t go to people who will tell you it’s a lost cause or to just follow your heart. 

Have fruitful conversations.

The truth is, you’ll have many talks but you want to be ready for the conversations of “where do we go from here.” This is where talking to others and getting counsel helps you. A few things to keep in mind: 

• You want to use “ownership” language, not victim language
• You want to speak life and commitment to your marriage
• You want to speak with a plan in mind of ways to earn trust.
• You need to listen to your spouse and what they need. (space, time, requests)

Be Humble.

In these ongoing conversations, your job is to receive feedback and take the scrutiny as a way to show your spouse that you own what you did. You don’t make excuses. You choose to give your spouse room to express their hurt, anger and disgust.

Work hard to earn trust.

This is the key ingredient to getting your marriage on track. Instead of looking backwards at the betrayal, you fix your eyes toward the future and the changes you commit to make. Your spouse will be the expert on this. Let them tell you the things they need to see in your actions that show trustworthiness. Come up with some initial steps and add to them. For example, if you haven’t already clearly broken off the other relationship, allow your spouse to hear or see that communication with the other person. Offer up access to your phone and social media. Cancel all social media and create a couple profile only.If it’s a co-worker, find ways to avoid that person. Create clear boundaries. 

This will take time so don’t be in a hurry. Your spouse gets to decide what the timeline looks like. Be patient. Be humble. Fight for your marriage by incorporating these steps.

Last week we talked about how reconciliation is possible if both spouses are willing to work hard and fight for a healthy marriage. We also said that both spouses have different roles to play. 

Today we’re addressing the spouse who has discovered their spouse has cheated. Even though you may feel hopeless right now, there is a way forward. You can have a future where you trust your spouse again. Today we will talk about some key steps you need to take to be open to that hopeful future.

Take a deep breath.
You’ve just learned some devastating information and you may feel like the world is spinning. The person you thought you knew-who loved you more than anyone-has betrayed you. It’s okay, in fact it’s wise to take some time to process those initial emotions. Time is a good companion at this stage. You don’t need to make any major decisions at this juncture. You need time and space to absorb this information and may want more information as the days progress.

Seek wise counsel for yourself.
Right now, you need support. Take advantage of trusted friends and mentors. Talk with them about your thoughts and feelings. Decide what information you need know and what might be able to wait. It’s better for you to process with others than with your spouse at this point. But choose wisely. Don’t just talk to people who say what you want to hear. Include people who will speak of a hopeful future for your marriage. 

Have fruitful conversations.
The truth is, you’ll have many talks but you want to be ready for the conversations of “where do we go from here.” This is where talking to others and getting counsel helps you. A few things to keep in mind: 

• You want to use feelings language, not an accusatory tone .
• You want to be clear about the boundaries emotionally and physically.
• You want to speak with a plan in mind.

Be clear.
The main responsibility you have at this point is to be clear about what it will take for your spouse to earn trust back. The more specific you can be, the better for both of you. Articulate the expectations you have regarding your spouse’s time, phone, social media, and transparency in answering your questions.

Extend forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a proactive response. You can choose to forgive your spouse for this betrayal. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you excuse the bad behavior or letting your spouse off the hook. It means you turn your heart towards a hopeful future. You give your spouse room to earn your trust. You put aside bitterness and resentment to see the positive things your spouse is trying to do.

Forgiveness may be a choice you make every single day for a while. But choosing to give the gift of forgiveness is what is required of you if you want your marriage to be saved.