In-Law Conflict: Your Wife vs Your Mother

If your wife and your mother are having conflict, the real battle is to get on the same page with your wife first. Here are five life hacks.

Tip #1: Listen to your wife

One of the greatest skills you can gain in life is to learn how to listen. If you’re watching this video it’s because there’s clearly a problem between your wife and your mother – so first things first, listen to your wife. Try to understand what the problem is, and make sure you understand it from her perspective. You might have your own opinion about the problem, but listen to your wife’s perspective – that’s your first task.

Tip #2: Help your wife draw boundaries

If your wife feels stressed out because your mother-in-law comes over all the time – help your wife draw boundaries. Whatever your boundaries need to be, one of the most healthy things that you can do for your marriage is to establish boundaries in terms of your relationship with your in-laws. This doesn’t mean you hate your in-laws – and it doesn’t mean you never want to see them – you’re simply prioritizing your wife so that you can have a happy wife and a happy life.

Tip #3: Ask what she needs from you

Don’t try to guess at this. Maybe you’ve been put in a situation before – your mom texts you or she calls you and she is putting you in the middle of this relational dilemma. One of the simplest ways to resolve this is to ask your wife “How can I most honor you? How you I respond in a way that makes you feel secure?” Ask your wife what she needs from you – and then do that thing.

Tip #4: Make your wife feel secure

What happens relationally with us as people – and this happens definitely in relationships between daughters-in-law and their mother-in-law – is they want to gain the love or respect of the mother or the father and so they feel insecure in that relationship. That just creates more problems and makes it hard for you to draw boundaries and to speak your mind. Husband’s, here’s part of the solution: make sure that your wife knows that she’s a priority to you and that your relationship is number one. The more secure your wife feels in her love from you, the less she’ll seek it out in that relationship with your mom or your dad. Then a lot of those problems might just go away.

Tip #5: Talk to your mother for both of you

Don’t say to your wife, “That’s a good point – you should say that to my mom.” It would be healthier for you to talk to your mother for the both of you, one-on-one or as couples. The point is that you’re taking the lead and articulating your position as a married couple. That means you need to own the situation for yourself and get on the same page with your wife.

The real issue here is your relationship with your wife – that’s the one that has to be healthy. Your marriage deserves the most attention, and when you get that right, all the other relationships will take care of themselves.