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Every couple has disagreements, and sometimes those disagreements can lead to arguments. However, healthy couples know that communication is key, even when it leads to conflict. In fact, fighting can be good and helpful if you do it the right way.

In Ephesians 4:29, it says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” This means that even in conflict, we should use our words to build up and show grace to our partner.

Avoid the Three Unhealthy “Fight Languages”

There are three unhealthy “fight languages” that can derail a conversation and prevent a couple from solving the issue at hand: escalation, withdrawal, and invalidation.

Escalation is when the intensity of the argument increases and becomes more heated. This can lead to hurtful words and actions that only serve to damage the relationship further.

Withdrawal is when one partner shuts down and stops engaging in the conversation altogether. This can make the other partner feel unheard and lead to resentment.

Invalidation is when one partner dismisses the other’s feelings or experiences. This can feel condescending and hurtful.

Healthy Communication Skills

Healthy communicators use “I feel…because” statements instead of pointing fingers at their spouse. This allows each partner to express their emotions and experiences without placing blame on the other. For example, instead of saying “You never listen to me,” a healthy communicator would say “I feel unheard when I try to share my thoughts and feelings.”

One of the most important aspects of healthy communication is active listening. This means truly listening to what your partner is saying without interrupting or preparing your response before they finish speaking.

When your partner is talking, give them your full attention. Make eye contact, nod to show that you’re listening, and ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand their point of view. Repeat back what they said to show that you heard them and understand their perspective.

Work Together to Find Solutions

Once both partners have expressed their thoughts and feelings, it’s time to work together to find solutions. This means brainstorming ideas and finding a compromise that works for both partners.

It’s important to remember that finding a solution doesn’t mean one partner has to give in to the other. Instead, it means finding a solution that meets both partners’ needs and values.

Talking Points:
  • Healthy couples keep talking, even when it leads to conflict. Fighting is good and helpful if you do it the right way. Ephesians 4:29
  • Avoid the three unhealthy “Fight Languages”: escalation, withdrawal, and invalidation. These habits become the issues that derail you from talking about the issue you’re trying to solve.
  • Healthy communicators use “I feel…because” statements instead of pointing fingers at their spouse. Learn to be an active listener and work together to find solutions.
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. How have you viewed conflict in your marriage up until now?
  3. On a scale from 1-10, how often do you feel like your spouse doesn’t understand your point of view? In your opinion, what contributes to the breakdown?
  4. What’s your primary “Fight Language”? What would your kids (or friends) say?
  5. Read Ephesians 4:29. On a scale from 1-10, rate your ability to use your words constructively. In what ways can you improve?
  6. Review the good habits of communication. Which skill do you need to work on the most? How can those skills help you the next time you have a conflict?
  7. How often do you get to action steps in your conflicts? What keeps you from moving forward?

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