Leading When It’s Hard: When Your Wife Is an Unbeliever or in Rebellion

Introduction

We’re in episode 2 of our Leading When It’s Hard series. Last time, we talked about leading when your wife has been a Christian longer than you or has more biblical knowledge. While that presents challenges, today’s topic is even more difficult—leading when your wife is an unbeliever or when she has walked away from her faith.

These situations overlap in many ways, but they also have distinct nuances. How do you remain faithful as a spiritual leader when your spouse is not following Christ?

Stay in Your Lane and Pray, Pray, Pray

Your role is to share the gospel and make disciples—but the Holy Spirit’s role is to convict and change hearts.

John 16:7-8 (NLT)
“But in fact, it is best for you that I go away, because if I don’t, the Advocate won’t come. If I do go away, then I will send him to you. And when he comes, he will convict the world of its sin, and of God’s righteousness, and of the coming judgment.”

One of the hardest things for men to remember is staying in their lane. It is not your job to convict your wife or soften her heart—that is the role of the Holy Spirit.

• Pray for the Holy Spirit to bring conviction and soften her heart.
• Pray for God to place believers in her life who will also point her to Jesus.
• Pray for strength to stay the course and fight for your marriage.

Acts 13:3 (NLT)
“So after more fasting and prayer, the men laid their hands on them and sent them on their way.”

The early church understood the importance of prayer and the Spirit’s work in people’s hearts. That same principle applies to your marriage.

1 Corinthians 7:12-14 (NLT)
“If a fellow believer has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her.”

If you were a Christian when you married a non-believer, let this be a reminder that God’s boundaries are for your good. But even in difficult marriages, God calls us to fight for our marriage.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Live in such a way that your actions speak louder than your words. Treat your wife with love, understanding, and honor, allowing your life to reflect the gospel.

1 Peter 3:1-2, 7 (NLT)
“In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives.”

“In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.”

Even though Peter addresses wives with unbelieving husbands, the principle applies both ways.

• Your life should reflect Christ. Show love, grace, and consistency.
• Treat your wife as God’s precious creation. The way you treat her impacts your prayer life!
• Serve her as Christ serves the church. If you want to lead her, serve her. Jesus modeled servant leadership.

If you’re praying for God to soften her heart, but your actions push her away, you’re working against your own prayers. Godly leadership is servant leadership.

Pick Your Battles

Not every issue has to be a fight. If you make everything black and white, your wife will feel like you’re a dictator. You need discernment to know when to stand firm and when to compromise.

Luke 14:25-27 (NLT)
“A large crowd was following Jesus. He turned around and said to them, ‘If you want to be my disciple, you must, by comparison, hate everyone else—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple.’”

There are non-negotiables in following Christ. You cannot compromise on God’s truth because of fear or the possibility of conflict.

At the same time, not every disagreement is worth dying on a hill for. This is where the Holy Spirit and the Word of God provide balance in leadership.

1 Corinthians 5:12 (NLT)
“It isn’t my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning.”

There is a difference between leading your wife and leading your children.

• When it comes to kids, you may need to take a firm stance on attending church, avoiding negative influences, and setting spiritual boundaries.
• With your wife, it requires patience, grace, and spiritual leadership without force.

If Your Wife Is in Rebellion

If your wife professes to be a believer but is living in rebellion, Scripture gives a clear process:

Matthew 18:15-17 (NLT)
“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.”

Bring in other believers. If your wife claims to follow Jesus but is living in sin, don’t handle it alone. Involve mature Christian leaders and your church.

Takeaway

Romans 12:17-18 (NLT)
“Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.”

Ultimately, your responsibility is faithfulness. You cannot control your wife’s heart, but you can control your response.

1 Corinthians 7:15 (NLT)
“But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the believing husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.”

If your wife refuses to stay, you are not bound. But as long as she remains, fight for your marriage with prayer, love, and a Christ-centered example.

Leading When It’s Hard: When a Child Is Rebelling

Introduction

Today, we’re wrapping up our Leading When It’s Hard series. We’ve talked about leading when our wife has been a believer longer than us or has more Bible knowledge. We also discussed leading when our wife is a non-believer or actively rebelling against God.

Now, we turn to a challenge that many parents will face at some point—leading when a child is rebelling.

There are many factors that can affect how we approach this:

• Are your kids still in the home or have they moved out?
• If they’re still at home, how old are they?
• Are they your biological children or part of a blended family?
• Were you a believer when they were growing up, or is your faith a new development?

The answers to these questions impact how we respond, but the principles remain the same.

Cover the Situation in Prayer

Before anything else, bring your child before God in prayer. Ask Him to soften their heart, to give you wisdom, and to guide your actions.

Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)
“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”

Worrying about our kids is natural, but Scripture tells us not to let worry control us. Instead, we are to pray and trust in God’s faithfulness.

• Pray for God to soften their heart. Only He can bring true transformation.
• Pray for wisdom. Every child is different, and parenting a rebellious child requires discernment.
• Thank God for what He has done. This reminds us of His faithfulness and strengthens our trust.

Don’t Always Pray for an Escape from Consequences

In the Parable of the Prodigal Son, the father did not intervene to prevent the son from experiencing the consequences of his choices. It was only when he hit rock bottom that he came to his senses.

If the father had prayed for his son to avoid hardship, the son might never have realized his need to return home.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NLT)
“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

Sometimes, God uses hardship to bring our children back to Him.

Train and Model the Right Path

Parenting is not just about giving orders—it’s about modeling the kind of life you want your children to follow.

Proverbs 22:6 (NLT)
“Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.”

This is a proverb, not a promise. While raising children in the faith gives them a solid foundation, each child ultimately makes their own choices.

Ask Yourself: Is Their Behavior In Spite of or Because of My Parenting?

Sometimes, rebellion happens despite our best efforts. But other times, we may need to ask:

• Did I model the righteousness and holiness of God but fail to show His love and grace?
• Was I too lenient, trying to be more of a friend than a parent?
• Did I overcompensate because of guilt, hardship, or past mistakes?

Ephesians 6:4 (NLT)
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.”

If you need to seek forgiveness for parenting mistakes, humble yourself and do it. A parent’s willingness to admit faults can have a powerful impact.

Love Unconditionally Without Affirming Sinful Behavior

You can affirm your love for your child without affirming their choices.

Romans 5:8-10 (NLT)
“But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation. For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son.”

This is how God loves us. He loves us unconditionally, but He does not approve of our sin. If our sin is not forgiven, it separates us from Him.

Teach the Principle of Earned Trust

Trust is built over time. If a child’s rebellion has damaged your relationship, reconciliation does not mean instantly restoring full trust. Instead, it teaches them that trust must be rebuilt through consistent change.

• Set clear expectations.
• Establish appropriate consequences.
• Continue to show love, even in discipline.

Choose Your Battles Wisely

Especially if your faith is new and your child is older, it may be best to introduce changes gradually.

Not every issue is a hill to die on. For example:

• Instead of banning all secular music, start by eliminating music with profanity or explicit content.
• Instead of demanding radical overnight lifestyle changes, encourage small, steady steps toward godly living.

This approach allows them to see the fruit of your faith over time rather than feeling like Christianity is only about rules.

Romans 12:17-18 (NLT)
“Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.”

Living at Home vs. Living on Their Own

If your child is still living at home, you have the right to set biblical standards for your household.

• They may not like going to church, but while they live under your roof, they should respect the values of your home.
• If they are on their own, your approach may shift toward influence rather than enforcement.

No matter their age, maintain the relationship. You can stand firm in truth without pushing them away.

Takeaway

Parenting a rebellious child is one of the hardest challenges a Christian parent can face. But God is bigger than their rebellion.

• Cover the situation in prayer. God is the one who softens hearts and brings transformation.
• Model what you want to see in them. Your actions will speak louder than your words.
• Love them unconditionally, but don’t affirm their sin. True love points them to God, even when it’s difficult.
• Choose your battles wisely. Some issues require a firm stand; others require patience and grace.

God is faithful. Your role is to lead in love, pray without ceasing, and trust Him with the results.