Frameworks for a Better Marriage

The four horsemen, personality types, emotional intelligence: build a better union by applying these well-known frameworks to your marriage. A 4-part series.

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4 Signs That Your Marriage Is in Trouble

Posted: September 13, 2023

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John Gottman is a renowned relationship expert who has studied many couples in his love lab. He boasts of his ability to predict with 91% accuracy those who stay married and those that end in divorce by observing how couples communicate and interact with one another.

A couple’s ability to communicate is obviously foundational to a healthy marriage. Gottman would say there are 4 communication styles that often lead to the end of marriage because of the damage they inflict on couples. 

#1: Criticism

Criticism goes deeper than just a complaint. A complaint is about a specific behavior that is annoying or troubling. But criticism speaks more to the character and personality of the person.

Your marriage is in trouble if one or both of you are always critical. Critical words are hurtful and demoralizing. 

Sign #2: Contempt 

Contempt speaks to feelings of superiority and disrespect for the other. More than just being critical, it’s about one spouse feeling like they are a better, smarter, and a more reasonable person than the other.

This includes eye-rolling and mocking your spouse for being more tired, more overwhelmed, too dramatic or irresponsible. Like criticism, contempt is a dangerous communication style. Your contemptuous words cut to the core of your spouse of who they are and what they have to offer.

Instead of resorting to contempt, talk to your spouse about the habits or personality traits that annoy you. Think about how you would want your spouse to approach you with their grievances. Be kind. Be clear. Be patient.

Sign #3: Defensiveness

This means not taking responsibility for actions and blaming the other person for their mistakes. It’s hard to resolve conflict if both parties can’t take ownership for their part.

Take an inventory of your words and actions and recognize that both of you contribute to the issues in some form or fashion. Instead of deflecting and blaming the other, look for ways you can take responsibility and grow.

Sign #4: Stonewalling

Stonewalling is another name for shutting down and refusing to talk. This is a lethal response to healthy conflict resolution where one spouse refuses to engage in the conversation. 

Healthy communication can’t be a one-sided endeavor. It takes both of you. If you feel like you need space to order your thoughts, take a time out, but don’t stonewall and refuse to engage. Maybe you need clearer boundaries if your spouse makes you feel unsafe in conflict. Address that. Be clear about your expectations. Seek counseling if you can’t get there on your own.

Ephesians 4:29 Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

Ephesians 4:31-32  Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Talking Points:
  • Author John Gottman identifies the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in marriage: four communication styles that are often signs of the impending doom of your marriage. Learn what they are… and then avoid them at all costs!
  • Sign #1: Criticism. Criticism goes deeper than just a complaint. A complaint is about a specific behavior that is annoying or troubling. But criticism speaks more to the character and personality of the person.
  • Sign #2: Contempt. Contempt speaks to feelings of superiority and disrespect for the other. More than just being critical, it’s about one spouse feeling like they are a better, smarter, and a more reasonable person than the other.
  • Sign #3: Defensiveness. This means not taking responsibility for actions and blaming the other person for their mistakes. It’s hard to resolve conflict if both parties can’t take ownership for their part.
  • Sign #4: Stonewalling. Stonewalling is another name for shutting down and refusing to talk. This is a lethal response to healthy conflict resolution where one spouse refuses to engage in the conversation. Ephesians 4:31-32
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. Are you surprised that divorce can be so easy to predict? Explain.
  3. Think about divorced people in your life, what led to the demise of their marriages? Do any of the signs listed here ring a bell?
  4. How have you felt put down by spouse in the past? In what areas are you critical of your spouse? How have contempt and criticism damaged your marriage?
  5. Why is defensiveness so destructive for healthy communication? What is a better way to respond?
  6. How can you safeguard your marriage from stonewalling?
  7. Read Ephesians 4:29, 31-32. What does this passage tell us to rid from our lives? What should we do instead? How can making these adjustments help your marriage?

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Personality Types In Marriage

Posted: July 8, 2022

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Marriage is a journey filled with joys, challenges, and endless opportunities for growth. One of the most fascinating tools for understanding ourselves and our partners better is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). The MBTI, based on Carl Jung’s theory of psychological types, categorizes people into 16 different personality types based on preferences in four key areas: Extraversion (E) vs. Introversion (I), Sensing (S) vs. Intuition (N), Thinking (T) vs. Feeling (F), and Judging (J) vs. Perceiving (P).

By understanding these preferences, couples can enhance communication, deepen intimacy, and navigate conflicts more effectively. Here’s how the MBTI personality types can be applied to marriage:

1. Understanding Communication Styles: Extraversion (E) vs. Introversion (I)
– Extraverts thrive on external stimulation and enjoy talking things out. They often need to verbalize their thoughts and feel energized by social interactions.
– Introverts prefer quiet reflection and may need time alone to process their thoughts before discussing them. They often communicate best in one-on-one settings.

In Marriage:
If you’re an extravert married to an introvert, be mindful of giving your partner space to think and recharge. If you’re an introvert married to an extravert, try to engage in conversations more frequently to meet their need for interaction.

2. Navigating Decision-Making: Sensing (S) vs. Intuition (N)
– Sensors focus on concrete details and prefer practical, hands-on approaches. They trust what they can see and touch.
– Intuitives are more abstract and imaginative, focusing on future possibilities and big-picture thinking.

In Marriage:
When making decisions, sensors can help ground intuitives’ ideas with practical considerations, while intuitives can inspire sensors to think beyond the immediate and consider long-term impacts. Finding a balance between practicality and creativity can lead to more comprehensive decision-making.

3. Balancing Emotions and Logic: Thinking (T) vs. Feeling (F)
– Thinkers prioritize logic and objective criteria in decision-making. They value fairness and consistency.
– Feelers prioritize values and subjective criteria, often considering how decisions will affect people. They value harmony and compassion.

In Marriage:
A thinker can help a feeler approach decisions more objectively, while a feeler can remind a thinker of the human impact of their choices. Respecting each other’s approaches can lead to more balanced and empathetic decisions.

4. Structuring Daily Life: Judging (J) vs. Perceiving (P)
– Judgers prefer structure and organization. They like having plans and schedules and feel comfortable with closure.
– Perceivers prefer flexibility and spontaneity. They are more comfortable with open-ended situations and adapting as they go.

In Marriage:
Judgers can help perceivers stay organized and on track, while perceivers can introduce spontaneity and adaptability into the relationship. Finding a balance between structure and flexibility can create a harmonious living environment.

Practical Tips for Applying MBTI in Marriage

1. Learn Each Other’s Types: Take the MBTI assessment together and discuss your results. Understanding your partner’s type can provide insights into their behavior and preferences.
2. Celebrate Differences: Recognize that different doesn’t mean wrong. Appreciate the unique strengths and perspectives your partner brings to the relationship.
3. Improve Communication: Tailor your communication style to your partner’s preferences. For example, give an introverted partner time to process their thoughts, or allow a thinking partner to discuss logical aspects of a decision.
4. Navigate Conflict with Compassion: Use your understanding of MBTI to approach conflicts with empathy. Recognize that your partner’s reactions and needs might differ from yours.
5. Grow Together: Use the MBTI as a tool for personal and relational growth. Reflect on how your preferences influence your behavior and work on areas where you can improve as a partner.

Conclusion

Understanding MBTI personality types can be a powerful tool for enhancing your marriage. By appreciating and respecting each other’s differences, you can foster a deeper connection, improve communication, and navigate challenges with greater ease. Remember, the goal isn’t to change your partner but to understand them better and grow together as a couple. Embrace the journey, and let your unique personalities complement and enrich your life together.

Talking Points:
  • One of the most fascinating tools for understanding ourselves and our partners better is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). This framework categorizes people into 16 different personality types based on preferences in four key areas: Extraversion (E) vs. Introversion (I), Sensing (S) vs. Intuition (N), Thinking (T) vs. Feeling (F), and Judging (J) vs. Perceiving (P).
  • Introverts are energized by alone time and solitude. Extroverts are recharged being around people.
  • Sensors like to process information with concrete ideas and measurable results. Intuitors like to dream of all the possibilities and get bored easily.
  • Thinkers are objective and analytical and will make hard decisions, even if unpopular. Feelers are motivated more by how actions affect others and they prefer harmony.
  • Judgers enjoy a lifestyle of routine and order and are uncomfortable with chaos. Perceivers are easily distracted and enjoy to explore and play.
  • The goal of understanding MBTI isn’t to change your spouse but to understand them better and grow together as a couple. Embrace the journey, and let your unique personalities complement and enrich your life together.
Discussion Questions:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. On a scale of 1-10, how different are you in personality from your spouse? (1, no different to 10, completely different). Explain.
  3. Based on the audio, what letters do you think best describe you? Your spouse?
  4. How might your personality differences be impacting your ability to connect as a couple? Explain.
  5. Identify the areas in your marriage where you have the most conflict or dissatisfaction. How are your personality differences affecting your ability to resolve these issues?
  6. Read Psalm 139:13-14. Why is it important to understand each other’s temperaments? How could you use this information to improve your marriage?
  7. If you haven’t already, take the inventory to discover your personality. You can google your temperament and find a lot of additional information to help you understand yourself. Share your findings with your spouse.
  8. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?
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The 5 Traits of an Emotionally Intelligent Marriage

Posted: March 15, 2022
An emotionally intelligent spouse understands their own emotions while also being able to empathize and understand their spouse's perspective.

Talking Points:

  1. Self-awareness – Recognizing your own emotions is the starting point. You can’t clearly express yourself if you don’t understand how you feel and why.
  2. Self-regulation – Managing your emotions is imperative to a healthy marriage. You have to show self-control in how you express the emotions you are experiencing. Ephesians 4:29
  3. Motivation – Directing emotions toward a goal helps creates a growth mindset for the relationship – an opportunity to strengthen the marriage not to tear each other down. 
  4. Empathy – Recognizing the emotions of your spouse will help you to have a balanced approach. It’s not just about how you feel- it’s also about how they feel.
  5. Social Skill – Managing the emotions in your spouse means you move past the emotions to a real conversation about how to do better next time.
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. How good are you at expressing how you feel, especially in times of conflict? What proves to be most challenging for you?
  3. How well does your spouse do at expressing their feelings to you? What could they do better?
  4. Read Ephesians 4:29. Share a time your words really hurt your spouse. Why is self-regulation a must for healthy communication?
  5. What should the motivation be when you enter a conflict with your spouse? What are some bad motives to avoid?
  6. How can you show more empathy for your spouse’s feelings and perspective?
  7. What reactions have you had in the past to your spouse’s emotions that only made things worse? What are some positive ways you can respond to your spouse’s heightened emotions?
  8. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?
hey couples in today’s video we’re going to talk about something called emotional intelligence also known as eq and we’re going to talk about how important it is for you to have good solid healthy emotional intelligence in your marriage yeah so emotional intelligence is simply understanding your own emotions how you think and feel about things and then the ability to understand your spouse’s emotions and the way they view things now there are five skills of emotional intelligence self-awareness self-regulation motivation empathy and social skill we’re gonna walk through each one of these one at a time so that you can sort of grade yourself and if you’re brave enough you can even grade your spouse on each of these items let’s start with self-awareness which is your ability to recognize your own emotions you think about those couples in your relationship things happen right you’re you’re married to someone you you share the same home your life is completely enmeshed and connected and so sometimes things happen and we get upset we get hurt we get mad so the first thing about eq and if you want to have a healthy marriages you have to understand your own emotions you have to reflect on a conversation you just had or look your spouse maybe just gave you and be like why did what what am i feeling right now what am i reacting to why do i feel what i’m feeling because that’s going to be important moving forward about how you communicate that but recognizing your emotions is just the beginning the next thing is what we call self-regulation and that’s your ability to manage your emotions right so let’s say you just had a conversation and you felt belittled perhaps by your spouse the tone they used or something that they said that was hurtful so in a healthy marriage then it isn’t just okay i feel belittled and hurt so now i’m gonna just react and start yelling and belittling you that isn’t the right answer or approach either so the second piece then is really that self-regulation that you can look internally and say okay this is the feeling i’m having this is the emotion i’m feeling but i don’t want to just react to that what am i going to do that’s productive with that emotion so the third skill is what we just call motivation and this is your ability to direct your emotions toward a goal and tracy i think the goal obviously in a marriage is to make the marriage healthier the goal is to grow old together right yeah and i think sometimes when our spouse hurts us you know there could be a temptation to just we want to feel anger and bitterness we just kind of stew on that in our heart we don’t really want to be productive with it we just kind of it justifies then maybe the way we treat our spouse and so we just kind of harbor those negative emotions but if we’re really healthy in our eq and want a healthy marriage then our motivation needs to be okay this is how i’m feeling and i’m hurt but i want our marriage to be better so i want to give my spouse the chance the opportunity to to right the wrong all right so those first three skills are directed you’ll notice toward yourself self-awareness self-regulation and really in a sense self-motivation but the next two skills are really about how you interact with others how it actually comes out and the first one is what we call empathy it’s your ability to recognize emotions in others and this is really important if you want to have a healthy marriage yeah so remember in eq there’s two parts of it there’s our own emotions understanding how we’re feeling but then it’s wanting to understand how the other person’s feeling and that’s what empathy is all about it’s being able to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes seeing it from their perspective that when you had an argument you know maybe you said or did something maybe your tone of voice set them off maybe they had a bad day at work maybe they also have been hurt by something that’s happened and so it’s your ability to say okay i know what i’m feeling but i recognize my spouse is probably coming to this conversation or this situation with their own emotions i need to understand those too and then that leaves us with just one final skill of eq and it’s what we call social skill it’s your ability to manage emotions in others now tracy i could hear someone saying well wait is it really my job to manage the emotions of my spouse and is that what this is talking about social skill no and i think that’s important i can’t control how you feel but i can work to understand how you feel i can use words or ask questions that show and demonstrate a desire to understand your perspective right to empathize with you so that we can start having a conversation about how do we get to solutions how do we avoid these hurts from happening again so it’s not that i’m trying to stop you from being angry but certainly in response to your emotion i can either show a level of care and interest in what you’re saying and how you feel or i can want to shut you down and say i don’t care how you feel yeah and we’ve noticed with a lot of couples if if you’ve got a husband and a wife that both have really low eq it’s really it’s really not necessarily a heart thing but it’s a skill thing maybe neither one of them has the skill to manage emotions in the other person and so then there’s just always this conflict which is really sad because if they could just learn some of these skills maybe their marriage could be better than they ever imagined yeah that’s why it’s important to keep working on it you can you can learn the skills of eq you can get better at it as you go along to not just understand your own perspective but in a marriage you have to be able to understand things from your spouse’s perspective so if you both come to those conversations or to a conflict or to a situation when someone’s hurt if your heart is to say i’m so sorry that you’re hurt i want to understand what i did to bring that hurt and how we can change that if you both do that then you can have a healthy marriage and you can move through the seasons of life with ease so go ahead and give yourself a grade on each of these five skills of emotional intelligence and if you’re brave enough give your spouse a grade and more important than anything make sure to talk about this with your spouse or with a mentoring couple and hey if you’ve got questions make sure to leave them in the comments below and if you want more videos like this be sure to subscribe to this channel on youtube we come out with new content every single week
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Take the Selfishness Test for Your Marriage

Posted: April 29, 2022

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Bryan and Tracy discuss the topic of selfishness in marriage. They explore five areas where selfish attitudes and behaviors tend to appear: finances, preferences, emotions, time, and chores. They emphasize the importance of recognizing and admitting one’s own selfishness and making a commitment to be less selfish. They also discuss the need for open communication, compromise, and serving each other in order to have a healthy and thriving marriage.

Talking Points:
  • Selfishness is at the root of marital disfunction. In this lesson we’ll ask five questions to help you discover the areas where you need to improve.
  • How selfish are you with your finances? If your hobbies dominate the family budget, you are likely inhibiting your spouse from pursuing their interests.
  • How selfish are you with preferences? If you always take the vacation you want or eat at your preferred restaurant, you are probably selfish and need to acknowledge your spouse’s opinions. James 3:16
  • How selfish are you with your emotions? If your mood dictates the temperature in the room you are likely emotionally selfish and need to realize that your spouse has emotions, too.
  • How selfish are you with your time? If you’re always off doing whatever you want whenever you want with no regard for your spouse’s needs, you are being selfish.
  • How selfish are you with chores? If you never offer to do anything around the house, or do it begrudgingly when asked, you’re being selfish expecting your spouse to carry the load. Philippians 2:3
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. Share the number you gave yourself in each category. Explain your answers.
  3. How close are your numbers to those your spouse gave you? If the numbers were drastically off, ask your spouse to explain their perspective more.
  4. Read James 3:16. Think about the conflicts you have with your spouse. How is selfishness at the root of those disagreements?
  5. Read Philippians 2:3. For each category, come up with a practical step for how you will improve moving forward.
  6. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

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