Healthy couples will have conflict in marriage, and communication is the key. Healthy conflict is based on a mutual commitment to the marriage. Ready to go? Try this simple 3-step method for processing the issues related to your marital conflict (download the worksheet):
Step 1: Discover the issues
Take some time to think about and write out what you think the issues are in your current conflict. Be sure to use “I feel…because” statements, instead of pointing fingers and making accusations.
Step 2: Talk about it
Now that you feel like you’ve identified the issues – and your spouse has done the same thing – it’s time to talk about it. Present your talking points from Step 1 to express your own thoughts and feelings. Encourage your spouse to actively listen, articulating your perspective (“What I hear you saying is…”).
Step 3: Live it out
Once you’ve had your time to talk about it, discovering the heart of the issue and trying to understand one another, it’s time to move on to action. What are the practical outcomes of the situation? How will you move forward together? Be clear about it and write it out.
- Watch the video together or invite someone to summarize the topic.
- What is your initial reaction to this video? Do you disagree with any of it? What jumped out at you?
- How often do you fight? Would you say you’re average, below average, or above average?
- What is your reaction to the statement that healthy couples will have conflict?
- Have past conflicts done damage to your marriage? Explain.
- How often do you avoid conflicts for fear of your spouse’s response? Explain.
- Do you ever feel like your spouse is ready to give up on the marriage in times of conflict? Explain.
- How can using “I feel..because…” statements help you in your next conflict?
- How can active listening help you in your next argument?
- How often do you resolve conflicts? What stops you? What can you do differently to find solutions?
- Write a personal action step based on this conversation.
